Merry Christmas

I am officially finished with school!!! I am done with classes, student teaching, and all that fun stuff, I have graduated. I am so proud of myself. Five years ago I decided to go to school and get my degree. It was a goal that challenged me and stretched me to my capacity at times but I did it!!! When I was doing my student teaching I struggled a bit with matching the standards and learning goal. I see all these cute writing activities on Pinterest but I had to really think about what is the learning goal and does it match the standards. My mentor teacher and field supervisor wanted me to do more lesson planning so I could get the practice in. There was one lesson that I was struggling with the anticipatory set. Have you ever been so tired and stressed that something so simple escapes your mind? That was me. I had asked my mentor teacher for some help and instead of being supportive and helpful like she said she would be, she tells me I will have to struggle through it. I laughed and told her I was so tired and stressed it was taking me longer to “get it”. She said we all get stressed and I cut her off. I am 46 years old with 3 children, 2 marriages under my belt (the second much better but still), sicknesses, mental illness, suicide attempts, etc I have struggled through plenty!!! What I do need is that mentor that is supportive and gives tips on what worked for her when she was struggling. She then asked me what would I do if she wasn’t there? I told her honestly I would ask my other teacher friend. I learn better by talking things out, shown and told examples, and seeing it done.

That was disappointing. I understand this was her first time mentoring a student teacher and I asked her would she say such a thing to a student if they weren’t understanding something? If she does then that is terrible because that is not how it should be done!

We did get through it and it was awesome that we both learned new things from each other. I have been in preschool for 14 years so I did bring some good ideas to the classroom. Just because someone has been teaching for a long time doesn’t mean something can’t inspire you to try new things. When my mentor and I talked about the class and how we could help certain students it was so much fun because we love the kids. The principal wants my resume so I have to get that updated.

A few days before I was done with student teaching my stomach was cramping, bloating, and just feeling awful. Each day everything got worse. On my last day of ST (student teaching) I went to the urgent care. They noticed I had sugar in my urine and then tested my blood sugars 196….holy shit! So they send me to the ER because I need imaging done. I get to the ER and they take blood, do a CT scan on me. I have diverticulitis and my sugars went up to 208. WHAAAAAT? I hadn’t eaten since 12:15 and it was 6:00. They put me on cipro and flagyl. What is going on with me I have never been so sick in my life. Two days after I was on the meds I started with a fever and feeling like death. The next day I vomited so I stopped the meds. I started doing better each day I was off and then bam…..ladies you know what can happen when on high doses of antibiotics…..So probiotics, juices, essential oils, and hot showers.

This was not how I planned to spend my 2 weeks off. However, I am very thankful that this happened now then even two weeks ago because it would have messed up my ST. For the past 3 days I have been getting my house cleaned, organized, and trying to put pictures up. It’s sad that we’ve been in the house over a year and I don’t have pictures up! I have made it my mission to get pictures up, curtains, rugs, and make my home feel homey! The hubby and I purchased a few rugs so it isn’t so cold on feet and paws. I need to see how I can incorporate some healing color in the house!

I am also planning on going to this place that has infrared saunas that I can do some sessions and get my body detoxing. I figured I would take January to get my body cleansed and study for my state test. Juices, smoothies, healthy meals, walking in nature, sitting in the sun, drinking waters and teas, and meditation.

My girls are out of state visiting their dad’s side of the family. I am so happy my youngest daughter is finally talking to her dad again. When she got to her dad’s she started texting me about her anxiety. She doesn’t have any medication and I forgot to give her the essential oils I have blended for her. Her sleep patterns have been really off and I figured it was because she was thinking about her little vacation. I’m happy her sister is with her but she too lately has been in a depression. The oldest has always dealt with depression but she won’t go to therapy. It is so hard to have children that deal with mental illness! When things have been crazy at the house with work and school I had to rely on my husband and son for help. The girls could have helped but instead they stayed in their bedrooms. It’s one thing to deal with depression but it’s another thing to have a shitty attitude that you don’t want to help your own mother when she needs it! Especially being  a grown adult living at home for free and being supported. The oldest just started the vet tech program. She graduated from the assistant program and was off for 6 weeks. She hasn’t worked since August and throws a fit if she is asked to help clean the kitchen.

Has anyone watched the documentary 32Pills? OMG that was such a touching movie! It hit home in so many ways. When the therapist told Hope that a person with borderline never feels fulfilled and that they spend a lifetime trying to get fulfilled that broke my heart because I now this is true for my youngest daughter. The therapist also mentioned medication alone doesn’t help bpd, going to therapy is important. I am hoping YD (youngest daughter) will keep her appointment for this new therapist. She can get better but she has to go in order for that to happen.

Merry Christmas and I hope you are blessed today!!

 

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Can I vent a little?

I was with my daughter at one of her appointments and she was asked if she knows who she is. I kept quiet and looked at my baby and she was blank. I wanted to know why the Dr. asked the question. Some people at 19 years old don’t know who they are and add in someone who has borderline personality disorder she REALLY doesn’t know who she is. I was a bit miffed because I felt that question made my daughter feel even worse about herself. The Dr. did tell her that there is hope, that there is so much for her to stay alive for, and that she was in good hands. Ok, all is forgiven I am no longer miffed.

I am frustrated because the process to getting my daughter on a treatment plan has been slow. I understand she is not the only person in the state that needs help, I know they are doing the best they can. I am frustrated and overwhelmed at home with BPD and depression. I hear Sam Cooke’s song A Change Is Gonna Come over and over in my head and I have to believe it to be true. I do a lot of listening to my daughter…..that’s if she talks. I ask her how can I help her. Is that a dumb question? She doesn’t even know how to help herself. She stays up all night and sleeps until I get home from work in the early afternoon. I try to make her juices that will help her body, does she drink them? Nooooo, why drink something that can help detox, heal, and nourish her body? I ask her to go for walks with me….no, I ask her to come to work with me…no, I ask I ask I ask and am told no. There are times I ask a question and I get my head bit off. Oh she is so lucky I don’t paddle her behind (kidding).

So then I got to thinking about the Dr’s question, life is about learning who we are all the time, that never changes. Who I am and was has changed quite a bit over the past 40 years. I would like to think that I have gotten better with age and experience. I love how sometimes we have questions about why certain situations happened to us and when we finally figure out why we have a much better understanding. That is why I trust God to help me through these times and I wait to figure out these answers. So far I have been fortunate to find life’s answers to my questions. This part of my life I am struggling quite a bit.

I feel like I have to be strong for my family and there are moments I’m tired. I feel like I need a vacation to Sedona!! I burned sage and prayed in my daughter’s room yesterday. Funny thing, like a half hour later, she cleaned it really well :).

On a positive note, I found out I got a $.50 raise!! My boss told me how much she appreciates everything I do. I love her! She is going through something very similar with her daughter and sister. We try to help each other deal with the mental illness of our loved ones and do our best. It is nice to have someone who understands me.

Thank you for listening (reading) my vent. I feel better already!! Be Blessed

Until Next Time

Depression affects more than one person

My life was thrown upside down Wednesday night. I was texting with my youngest daughter when she started saying she needed to get away. She wanted me to get her a hotel room for the night. I could not afford that, nor would I have even if I had the money. She proceeds to say that she would sleep in the park….uh no she would freeze to death. Then it comes out, she doesn’t care if she froze to death, she wanted to die. There it is that evil darkness throwing my daughter into a crazy spin that she doesn’t know how to control. She tells me she has taken 45 of her anxiety pills WHAT THE FUCK!!! How am I on a cell phone seeing that my daughter doesn’t want to live and she is taking pills that won’t stop her heart right away but will cause organ damage, toxicity, and that could take her away from me. How can I save my baby? How can I make all this go away? How do I protect her? I can’t…. I can’t do a fucking thing unless she wants me to and lets me but guess what she doesn’t.

I text her friend asking her where is she, she is downstairs. I tell her to get up to my daughter because she has taken pills and call 911. I try finding a number so I can call an ambulance to get to my baby before any damage is done. Why the fuck can I not find a damn number besides 911 that will not work 1900 miles away?!?! I text my oldest daughter and tell her to call 911 and give her the address because I know she is going to be too upset to remember. The friend thought maybe it would be a good idea to drive my daughter to the hospital……that’s 30 minutes away…..are you kidding me? Holy shit I am dealing with idiots. I know it’s not nice but this is my baby; a child I have loved for 20 years being 20 years ago I was pregnant with her. OMG OMG OMG this is the worst feeling in the world, I can’t live my life without her. I can’t lose her. I can’t breathe my heart hurts, I feel hopeless, FUCK what do I do? Dear God please please please don’t take her from me. My daughter texts me saying the popo is there and thanks she might go to jail. Seriously? I don’t give a flying fig if she goes to jail at least she’s alive. I call my nephew who is a detective to ask him to look into how this all goes down. Is my daughter arrested? Does she have to go to court? Can I get power of attorney over her? I have to save her, I have to make her better! She deserves to be free from depression, anxiety, from wanting to die, from feeling unloved, unsafe, unimportant. Doesn’t she know how much she is loved? How much her family loves her and is her biggest fan? Why is she so blind? Damn that darkness it is blinding her, she can see our love and our fear. She can’t see we struggle with her. She texts me saying liquid charcoal tastes like ass. Ahhhh there is my baby, sarcasm and humor. A phone call telling me she is at a psychiatric hospital, she sounds angry. She is out now, with four medications which I feel is stupid since she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but she is court ordered to do it.

She won’t let me help her. I give her the options she has and yet she chooses to stay in an area where it is not healthy for her. She has no job, no money, no car. She isn’t eating healthy, not exercising, not doing anything. She is not taking care of herself, not making good choices, nothing….She gets depressed, wants to run away from it all, wants to die, and then it starts all over again. Why won’t she do anything to change it? Doesn’t she realize there is hope? Why won’t she listen to me? I hurt, my heart screams, my body aches because I can’t do a damn thing.

I have to sit by and just pray for her. She has to want to get the help she needs to stop this madness and have a better life. Hopeless, helpless, trapped, worried,desperate, scared, angry, defeated, pushed away, rejected are all the emotions that flow through me. I have to do something to protect myself from a break down. I have to make sure I am emotionally and physically healthy I still have two children, a husband, school, work to continue with. Even though my children at work aren’t mine biologically I still love them, they feed off my energy and mood so I have to make sure it is the best it can be. We are all connected.

I feel my daughters pain and my own pain, it sure hurts. Please body don’t fail me now, don’t shut down, keep illness away. I promise I will release this and get back to center. Dear God send strength, send angels, send love, send my guardians, my animal spirits, send healing, send protection, send comfort. Mother Earth as I stand on you take away the negativity and pain. Sage smoke purify my thoughts, my emotions, cleanse all of me and drive out what is not of love. God can I stand in the gap for my daughter to be helped, healed, protected, comforted? I ask, seek, and knock!

My husband stands back worried for me, worried for our family, worried for my daughter. He feels helpless, hopeless, what can he do? He’s supposed to be the protector of his family and yet he can’t do anything but love her, support her, pray for her, and be there for her and the rest of us.

My son and oldest daughter see their sister, mother, and father all hurting, struggling, and doing their best. They try to help, they try to make it better. My son asks mom doesn’t my sister know how great she is? how much we love her? How blessed she is? I tell my son that depression is like a thick darkness that makes it hard to see and feel those things. It affects the way she makes choices, how she lives her life, and her being stuck.

My cat lays on my lap, on my chest, by my side. He looks up at me and meows and rubs his face all over my hand. He purrs trying to make me all better. I go in the living room he follows, I go in the kitchen he follows, I go to the bathroom he follows.

I talk to my boss. I tell her I can’t come in. She takes over my classroom and call in the secretary to make sure she is upfront to hold down the fort. We talk for an hour and I find out the issues going on at work and in her family. We tell each other we will get through this and we will pray for each other.

My mom, my sisters, my best friend, my ex husband. We all are affected by someone’s depression. We are all connected

Sorry if the bad language offended anyone. I needed to be real with what I wrote down. It almost seemed like the more I said the F word the more it released tension and emotion. It might sound crazy or like an excuse but it’s my truth.