Yoga

I subscribed to Gaia. I am so happy I did this! Yesterday I watched a series on the Yogic path. It goes into detail about different types of yoga and so much more I am just now starting to understand. I have to say this whole experience is beautiful. Bhakti yoga is the path of devotion/love, Jhana is wisdom and knowledge, Karma is action, Kriya is action/movement….. there is more.  I have to find out if someone practices them all or one or a few. When learning about Bhakti it was said that it is about making more love by putting it out into the world, not just in principle, but also in practice. One of the easiest ways to understand the path and to expand our devotional attitude is to treat others the way we would like to be treated. I have learned about chanting the different names of the Divine. What I really liked is they said if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim you can chant what you call God. Then I learned about Jappa.

I hope I can find someone that can teach me more. I have always wondered about Hindu and Yoga, this has definitely helped me to understand more. I love learning new things.

 

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Be Nice

As a teacher I always teach my class about being nice, respectful, and be understanding. Of course there is way more that I teach in the character department but the simple ones I mentioned really need to be applied to social media. A friend of mine said she needs a break from social media. I get it, it can be brutal out there! Many people need a time out!! We need to focus on what can we do to make our world a better place. That can come in the form of respecting someone’s opinion especially if it differs from your own. I get now why the Bible says be slow to anger, we need to listen to people and see where they are coming from. Does anyone seriously think that if they shove their opinions down someone’s throat in a mean way that it will get that other person to open their minds or consider their view? So just be nice!

 

Merry Christmas

I am officially finished with school!!! I am done with classes, student teaching, and all that fun stuff, I have graduated. I am so proud of myself. Five years ago I decided to go to school and get my degree. It was a goal that challenged me and stretched me to my capacity at times but I did it!!! When I was doing my student teaching I struggled a bit with matching the standards and learning goal. I see all these cute writing activities on Pinterest but I had to really think about what is the learning goal and does it match the standards. My mentor teacher and field supervisor wanted me to do more lesson planning so I could get the practice in. There was one lesson that I was struggling with the anticipatory set. Have you ever been so tired and stressed that something so simple escapes your mind? That was me. I had asked my mentor teacher for some help and instead of being supportive and helpful like she said she would be, she tells me I will have to struggle through it. I laughed and told her I was so tired and stressed it was taking me longer to “get it”. She said we all get stressed and I cut her off. I am 46 years old with 3 children, 2 marriages under my belt (the second much better but still), sicknesses, mental illness, suicide attempts, etc I have struggled through plenty!!! What I do need is that mentor that is supportive and gives tips on what worked for her when she was struggling. She then asked me what would I do if she wasn’t there? I told her honestly I would ask my other teacher friend. I learn better by talking things out, shown and told examples, and seeing it done.

That was disappointing. I understand this was her first time mentoring a student teacher and I asked her would she say such a thing to a student if they weren’t understanding something? If she does then that is terrible because that is not how it should be done!

We did get through it and it was awesome that we both learned new things from each other. I have been in preschool for 14 years so I did bring some good ideas to the classroom. Just because someone has been teaching for a long time doesn’t mean something can’t inspire you to try new things. When my mentor and I talked about the class and how we could help certain students it was so much fun because we love the kids. The principal wants my resume so I have to get that updated.

A few days before I was done with student teaching my stomach was cramping, bloating, and just feeling awful. Each day everything got worse. On my last day of ST (student teaching) I went to the urgent care. They noticed I had sugar in my urine and then tested my blood sugars 196….holy shit! So they send me to the ER because I need imaging done. I get to the ER and they take blood, do a CT scan on me. I have diverticulitis and my sugars went up to 208. WHAAAAAT? I hadn’t eaten since 12:15 and it was 6:00. They put me on cipro and flagyl. What is going on with me I have never been so sick in my life. Two days after I was on the meds I started with a fever and feeling like death. The next day I vomited so I stopped the meds. I started doing better each day I was off and then bam…..ladies you know what can happen when on high doses of antibiotics…..So probiotics, juices, essential oils, and hot showers.

This was not how I planned to spend my 2 weeks off. However, I am very thankful that this happened now then even two weeks ago because it would have messed up my ST. For the past 3 days I have been getting my house cleaned, organized, and trying to put pictures up. It’s sad that we’ve been in the house over a year and I don’t have pictures up! I have made it my mission to get pictures up, curtains, rugs, and make my home feel homey! The hubby and I purchased a few rugs so it isn’t so cold on feet and paws. I need to see how I can incorporate some healing color in the house!

I am also planning on going to this place that has infrared saunas that I can do some sessions and get my body detoxing. I figured I would take January to get my body cleansed and study for my state test. Juices, smoothies, healthy meals, walking in nature, sitting in the sun, drinking waters and teas, and meditation.

My girls are out of state visiting their dad’s side of the family. I am so happy my youngest daughter is finally talking to her dad again. When she got to her dad’s she started texting me about her anxiety. She doesn’t have any medication and I forgot to give her the essential oils I have blended for her. Her sleep patterns have been really off and I figured it was because she was thinking about her little vacation. I’m happy her sister is with her but she too lately has been in a depression. The oldest has always dealt with depression but she won’t go to therapy. It is so hard to have children that deal with mental illness! When things have been crazy at the house with work and school I had to rely on my husband and son for help. The girls could have helped but instead they stayed in their bedrooms. It’s one thing to deal with depression but it’s another thing to have a shitty attitude that you don’t want to help your own mother when she needs it! Especially being  a grown adult living at home for free and being supported. The oldest just started the vet tech program. She graduated from the assistant program and was off for 6 weeks. She hasn’t worked since August and throws a fit if she is asked to help clean the kitchen.

Has anyone watched the documentary 32Pills? OMG that was such a touching movie! It hit home in so many ways. When the therapist told Hope that a person with borderline never feels fulfilled and that they spend a lifetime trying to get fulfilled that broke my heart because I now this is true for my youngest daughter. The therapist also mentioned medication alone doesn’t help bpd, going to therapy is important. I am hoping YD (youngest daughter) will keep her appointment for this new therapist. She can get better but she has to go in order for that to happen.

Merry Christmas and I hope you are blessed today!!

 

Love

I was listening to the Black Eyed Peas redone Where is the Love. There is a part in there that DJ Khaled says Love is the Key, Love is the Answer, Love is the Solution, Love is Powerful. Yes it is!! How do we get more of it, show more of it, give more of it? It starts with each of us. I was shown a video about Quincy Blakely and I was shocked, outraged, and angry that this man has been treated in such a manner. It is easy to say he should have just listened to the police officer but watching that video I was confused as to what the right thing to do was because that officer was out of line and wrong. We need changes in the world!! Why is this man still in jail? There is no way he should be, it seems to me they are punishing him for not listening to the officer. The verdict about Philando Castile shocked me but his mom was given money. I guess that is suppose to make it ok but the officer walks free? It is situations like this that make me wonder how can we infuse more love into the world? How can we get to a better place? Look at all the terrorist attacks, how do we overcome that? I hate war, yet don’t we have to protect our own country or is this what we have been taught to think?

We need more love in our schools, in our barns, in our homes. Animals need to be treated better also. I am a huge fan of the Gentle Barn, they have rescue barns in California, Tennessee, and Missouri. They have been a big reason why I have decided to not eat meat or use dairy. When you really see how these animals are treated how can we not care? How can this be ok?

More prayer, more positive energy, more action, more visualizing is a few ways to start.

I was talking with my assistant today about our classroom. We have 4-5 years olds and it is easy to have expectations that are too high. At that age they still need to be taught what their emotions are and how to handle them. Our conversation was really good and positive. We both agreed we want to set the tone in the classroom to be calm and encouraging. I had one little boy today that was mad he didn’t get his way so he through a fit. I asked him if throwing a fit is going to make it better? He said no. I asked him to please take a few deep breaths and calm down so we could talk. He immediately took some breaths and I asked him what was wrong that he through a fit. He was mad a friend took his spot in line. He found some garbage on the floor and wanted to throw it away. I told him that was very kind of him to make sure our classroom was clean. I turned to the friend and explained to her why he left the line and would she please let him have his place in line again? She said yes. I turned to the little boy and told him when he went back to the line that is what he needed to say to his friend. I explained that when he threw the fit his friend didn’t know what he was saying or why, that is why it is important to be calm. If I would have just told him to stop throwing a fit and get to the back of the line I would have missed a great opportunity to teach him how to handle his frustration and how to problem solve the situation. I always tell my class they can come to myself or the other teacher for help. I swear to you, how we react and how we talk it all contributes to how our classroom is going to respond. My assistant and I want to infuse even more love in our room.

I was told by a parent today that she and her husband have separated. I immediately know what to do. I have been through this with my biological parents as well as many classroom children. I told mom I would make sure her daughter got extra hugs and love. I am told by at least 8 children everyday multiple times a day “I love you Ms. D”. I always tell them I love them too. When my assistant first started in my classroom she was so happy to see how the children were and I quickly responded with love. She said I have my rules and am quick to correct the not so good behavior but it is with love always. So we continue to teach and guide so that way these children can become adults with love, problem solving skills, good vocabulary, and how to work as a team.

When I think of my class I have hope for the future.

Lets’ be better friends, let’s put more love in the world!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chris Cornell

Ever since I first heard about the death of Chris Cornell my emotions have been all over the place. Some may say I have been triggered because of my daughter’s suicide attempts. There are a few different reason flying around the media as to why Chris committed suicide. I have heard it was because of a medication he took too much of and that he was just depressed. Chris is the only one that can answer that question and it is heartbreaking to me that his wife and children are left with a huge hole in their hearts and in their lives. Back in January a friend’s son who was only 16 years old committed suicide; his mom and little brother found him, they had to be the ones to cut him down. My emotions and my heart cannot even begin to process the pain that my friend felt that day and continues to feel everyday. I was very good friends with her father, he passed away a year ago in Feb. I can only hope my friend has his grandson there with him. How many times have we heard of young children dying from suicide because of bullying? How do we stop this? How do we help someone so deep in depression know they are loved, wanted, and matter? I have talked to my daughter and she told me she gets so tired of fighting with herself. She is tired of feeling like a failure in life, she knows she is loved yet she feels like she is swimming in the pit of never-ending darkness. I have read and heard from others that suicide is to end the pain, end the constant internal fight.

I sit there and listen. Wow how powerful is that! Then I hear people say that someone who commits suicide is a selfish coward. I’m not quiet about that at all! EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Someone who is trying to end their pain is not looking for attention. Are there attention seekers out there? Yes, however, many people are far from seeking attention!! Mental illness is no joke! It can be so exhausting, heartbreaking, and cruel. I get so irritated at my daughter for not doing everything she can do try to get better but I have to be patient and not push her. It is easy for me to say, go to therapy, take your pills, exercise, get out in the sun etc etc. But when she already fights with herself I don’t want to be a nag. So what do I do? I get my Young Living and DoTerra oils and I rub her down, I diffuse them in the air, I turn on my hymalayan salt lamp, I make smoothies, juices, and other healthy meals,  give her supplements, play relaxing and uplifting music. Does it work? I think it helps a bit but no matter what I have to try. I pray over my children, I pray over my home, I burn frankincense and myrrh, rosemary, and sage (only the frankincense and myrrh together). I read books that will help me understand my daughter and how to deal with her. I can’t go to therapy just yet, not until our insurance kicks in. I am not too proud to say I need help to learn how to deal with my feelings, and so I don’t feel like I am walking on egg shells around my daughter.

When I am finished with school in a few months I want to look into how I can help suicidal people. I want our mental healthcare to get better and do better so I need to find out how I can advocate for this to happen.

I suffer from different health issues and I get tired of the way I feel and all the things I have to do to keep myself living. If this is even part of what someone who suffers from suicidal tendencies feels like my heart is with them!

I have to go listen to some uplifting music my heart is so heavy right now. If you are reading this. I wish you nothing but peace, love, and wellness! Be Blessed my friends

Today’s ramble

I’m sitting here watching 2016 Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards. Tracee Ellis Ross just won an award. She talked about watching a documentary on Nina Simone, Traccee wondered why she had not known about Nina sooner, why had she not learned about her beauty years ago and she thank Essence for continuing to show them and the world their texture, beauty, and waking everyone up. All I could think of is why are there so many award shows that divide us? Honestly there are so many wonderful people from different cultures and races that have made the world a better place because of inventing something, helping people, teaching, etc. Why can’t we just have award shows that unite us? Just at that moment I started thinking this my phone chimed.

My sister sent me a video on my Facebook about a mother telling her daughter to make sure she doesn’t forget her sisters, they’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then, do things with them. Remember that “sisters” mean ALL the women; your girlfriends, your daughters, and all you other women relatives. You’ll need other women, women always do. A picture appeared of all these different women that was connected to the daughter. These different women were different from different ethnic backgrounds and races. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays in her life. Time passes, life happens, distance separates, children grow up, jobs come and go, hearts break, careers end, parents die, love waxes and wanes, colleagues forget favors, BUT…….sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes they will even break the rules and walk beside you or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters in laws, granddaughters, daughter in laws, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, cousins, nieces all bless our lives. Every day we need each other still.

YES, exactly sisters we need each other! We are connected and need each other. We need to come together as humans and lift each other up. All these things in the world that try to divide us needs to stop, we need to love more, understand more, listen more, be more compassionate, give more, and be in harmony more.

In all honesty it’s not just sisters we need, we need our brothers too (can’t leave them out). 🙂

As the elections are coming, the candidates are flinging some major negativity out there. I honestly don’t know if I like anyone. For so many years we have politicians that want more government and the PEOPLE suffer. Why was it so much easier economic wise in the 50s? Why can’t we go back to that? Why does America look so messy? Division, blame, greed, lies……This is not what WE THE PEOPLE are about. How can these politicians have doctorates or whatever degrees in government, economics, etc and yet we are a mess? Democrats and Republicans are from the same bird and need to do something to come together to make us better again. Maybe they should watch that video and stop their toddler tantrums and being greedy! I’m actually supposed to be writing a paper but I can’t get the flow to go. So when I was watching the awards it made my thoughts take off so I’m here rambling. I better end this for now. I feel my headache coming back. Be blessed 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Can I vent a little?

I was with my daughter at one of her appointments and she was asked if she knows who she is. I kept quiet and looked at my baby and she was blank. I wanted to know why the Dr. asked the question. Some people at 19 years old don’t know who they are and add in someone who has borderline personality disorder she REALLY doesn’t know who she is. I was a bit miffed because I felt that question made my daughter feel even worse about herself. The Dr. did tell her that there is hope, that there is so much for her to stay alive for, and that she was in good hands. Ok, all is forgiven I am no longer miffed.

I am frustrated because the process to getting my daughter on a treatment plan has been slow. I understand she is not the only person in the state that needs help, I know they are doing the best they can. I am frustrated and overwhelmed at home with BPD and depression. I hear Sam Cooke’s song A Change Is Gonna Come over and over in my head and I have to believe it to be true. I do a lot of listening to my daughter…..that’s if she talks. I ask her how can I help her. Is that a dumb question? She doesn’t even know how to help herself. She stays up all night and sleeps until I get home from work in the early afternoon. I try to make her juices that will help her body, does she drink them? Nooooo, why drink something that can help detox, heal, and nourish her body? I ask her to go for walks with me….no, I ask her to come to work with me…no, I ask I ask I ask and am told no. There are times I ask a question and I get my head bit off. Oh she is so lucky I don’t paddle her behind (kidding).

So then I got to thinking about the Dr’s question, life is about learning who we are all the time, that never changes. Who I am and was has changed quite a bit over the past 40 years. I would like to think that I have gotten better with age and experience. I love how sometimes we have questions about why certain situations happened to us and when we finally figure out why we have a much better understanding. That is why I trust God to help me through these times and I wait to figure out these answers. So far I have been fortunate to find life’s answers to my questions. This part of my life I am struggling quite a bit.

I feel like I have to be strong for my family and there are moments I’m tired. I feel like I need a vacation to Sedona!! I burned sage and prayed in my daughter’s room yesterday. Funny thing, like a half hour later, she cleaned it really well :).

On a positive note, I found out I got a $.50 raise!! My boss told me how much she appreciates everything I do. I love her! She is going through something very similar with her daughter and sister. We try to help each other deal with the mental illness of our loved ones and do our best. It is nice to have someone who understands me.

Thank you for listening (reading) my vent. I feel better already!! Be Blessed

Until Next Time