Chris Cornell

Ever since I first heard about the death of Chris Cornell my emotions have been all over the place. Some may say I have been triggered because of my daughter’s suicide attempts. There are a few different reason flying around the media as to why Chris committed suicide. I have heard it was because of a medication he took too much of and that he was just depressed. Chris is the only one that can answer that question and it is heartbreaking to me that his wife and children are left with a huge hole in their hearts and in their lives. Back in January a friend’s son who was only 16 years old committed suicide; his mom and little brother found him, they had to be the ones to cut him down. My emotions and my heart cannot even begin to process the pain that my friend felt that day and continues to feel everyday. I was very good friends with her father, he passed away a year ago in Feb. I can only hope my friend has his grandson there with him. How many times have we heard of young children dying from suicide because of bullying? How do we stop this? How do we help someone so deep in depression know they are loved, wanted, and matter? I have talked to my daughter and she told me she gets so tired of fighting with herself. She is tired of feeling like a failure in life, she knows she is loved yet she feels like she is swimming in the pit of never-ending darkness. I have read and heard from others that suicide is to end the pain, end the constant internal fight.

I sit there and listen. Wow how powerful is that! Then I hear people say that someone who commits suicide is a selfish coward. I’m not quiet about that at all! EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Someone who is trying to end their pain is not looking for attention. Are there attention seekers out there? Yes, however, many people are far from seeking attention!! Mental illness is no joke! It can be so exhausting, heartbreaking, and cruel. I get so irritated at my daughter for not doing everything she can do try to get better but I have to be patient and not push her. It is easy for me to say, go to therapy, take your pills, exercise, get out in the sun etc etc. But when she already fights with herself I don’t want to be a nag. So what do I do? I get my Young Living and DoTerra oils and I rub her down, I diffuse them in the air, I turn on my¬†hymalayan salt lamp, I make smoothies, juices, and other healthy meals, ¬†give her supplements, play relaxing and uplifting music. Does it work? I think it helps a bit but no matter what I have to try. I pray over my children, I pray over my home, I burn frankincense and myrrh, rosemary, and sage (only the frankincense and myrrh together). I read books that will help me understand my daughter and how to deal with her. I can’t go to therapy just yet, not until our insurance kicks in. I am not too proud to say I need help to learn how to deal with my feelings, and so I don’t feel like I am walking on egg shells around my daughter.

When I am finished with school in a few months I want to look into how I can help suicidal people. I want our mental healthcare to get better and do better so I need to find out how I can advocate for this to happen.

I suffer from different health issues and I get tired of the way I feel and all the things I have to do to keep myself living. If this is even part of what someone who suffers from suicidal tendencies feels like my heart is with them!

I have to go listen to some uplifting music my heart is so heavy right now. If you are reading this. I wish you nothing but peace, love, and wellness! Be Blessed my friends


Cousin Dave

I could hear the phone ringing and my caller ID said who it was….Shane!?!?!? I answer the phone and he asks me how’s it going, I immediately know something is wrong. Shane and I are cousins but have been like sister and brother since we were born. He tells me he’s at the hospital with Dave and it’s not looking good. He explains that Dave has coded twice and resuscitated but was down for 20 minutes one of the times. It’s not looking good. Dave is stubborn and that should be in all caps!! He has had health issues for many years, didn’t take care of himself, or listen to the Dr.. There was a time three in a half years ago he was knocking on death’s door, no one thought he would make it. Dave once again showed us how stubborn he was. So I was wondering if maybe he would do it again? I asked Shane to keep me posted until I could get there. Right before I left I text him and asked how things are going and he said Dave just went into cardiac arrest again. UGH I have a 45 minute drive and it’s 6:00pm traffic.

As I got off the elevator the first thing I see is Shane sitting on the couch in the ICU waiting area. He’s just shaking his head saying; he’s not going to pull through this time. On my way to the hospital Dave went into cardiac arrest again, this time they did not resuscitate him. Dave also had really bad pneumonia and other things wrong. So I head into the room and Dave’s sister Cheri is there crying. Now my poor cousin Cheri just lost her youngest daughter March 6, 2014 and now she’s losing her baby brother. I’m worried about her I hear it in her cries. absolute heartbreaking!!! Damn I didn’t wear my waterproof mascara today…that’s ok the tissue will keep me from looking like a racoon. The room was filled with my family.

Shane has two children with my best friend and the boys live up here with Shane while my bff is in Florida. Seeing the boys makes me miss and want my bff!! I make my way over to Shane and hug him. He too has had now another big loss in less than a year. I cannot imagine losing a sister and now an uncle (Shane is Cheri’s son, him and I are first cousins once removed). I hold Dave’s hand and stroke his arm but he’s gone already. Superman decided to not be stubborn this time :(. Is this real? Did Aunt Stella (his mom) come help him on his journey? Was he greeted by other family members? Questions and memories swarm my head. My heart hurts. I tell myself we all have a time to go but would his have been longer if he wasn’t so stubborn? Then I see Dave’s son omg pain in my heart…I hurt for them, they just lost their dad. Lil Davey especially he was good to his dad and loved him so much.

I stayed awhile longer for my family to hug them and tell stories about Dave. Then with my hubby and son we make our way home. I’m numb, I’m sad. I think about all these family members on my dad’s side that have passed so young. It all boils down to not taking care of themselves.

I went to bed last night but kept waking up and wondering if this was all real, then my heart hurting let me know it was. I was to mourn his loss but celebrate him and his life. There are a lot of memories and stories to keep celebrating him. Will Cheri ever feel this way or will she just feel loss and heartache?

And here is Monster cat being adamant about wanting to lay on my lap while I try to type this out…..another stubborn one.

I am once again reminded of the importance of family. I couldn’t imagine my life without mine. As big as it is I love each and everyone of them. I am also reminded to take as best of care of my body as possible.

Words have left my brain, I feel numb. I’m sad

If you’re reading this, I wish you a blessed day!