Chris Cornell

Ever since I first heard about the death of Chris Cornell my emotions have been all over the place. Some may say I have been triggered because of my daughter’s suicide attempts. There are a few different reason flying around the media as to why Chris committed suicide. I have heard it was because of a medication he took too much of and that he was just depressed. Chris is the only one that can answer that question and it is heartbreaking to me that his wife and children are left with a huge hole in their hearts and in their lives. Back in January a friend’s son who was only 16 years old committed suicide; his mom and little brother found him, they had to be the ones to cut him down. My emotions and my heart cannot even begin to process the pain that my friend felt that day and continues to feel everyday. I was very good friends with her father, he passed away a year ago in Feb. I can only hope my friend has his grandson there with him. How many times have we heard of young children dying from suicide because of bullying? How do we stop this? How do we help someone so deep in depression know they are loved, wanted, and matter? I have talked to my daughter and she told me she gets so tired of fighting with herself. She is tired of feeling like a failure in life, she knows she is loved yet she feels like she is swimming in the pit of never-ending darkness. I have read and heard from others that suicide is to end the pain, end the constant internal fight.

I sit there and listen. Wow how powerful is that! Then I hear people say that someone who commits suicide is a selfish coward. I’m not quiet about that at all! EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Someone who is trying to end their pain is not looking for attention. Are there attention seekers out there? Yes, however, many people are far from seeking attention!! Mental illness is no joke! It can be so exhausting, heartbreaking, and cruel. I get so irritated at my daughter for not doing everything she can do try to get better but I have to be patient and not push her. It is easy for me to say, go to therapy, take your pills, exercise, get out in the sun etc etc. But when she already fights with herself I don’t want to be a nag. So what do I do? I get my Young Living and DoTerra oils and I rub her down, I diffuse them in the air, I turn on my hymalayan salt lamp, I make smoothies, juices, and other healthy meals,  give her supplements, play relaxing and uplifting music. Does it work? I think it helps a bit but no matter what I have to try. I pray over my children, I pray over my home, I burn frankincense and myrrh, rosemary, and sage (only the frankincense and myrrh together). I read books that will help me understand my daughter and how to deal with her. I can’t go to therapy just yet, not until our insurance kicks in. I am not too proud to say I need help to learn how to deal with my feelings, and so I don’t feel like I am walking on egg shells around my daughter.

When I am finished with school in a few months I want to look into how I can help suicidal people. I want our mental healthcare to get better and do better so I need to find out how I can advocate for this to happen.

I suffer from different health issues and I get tired of the way I feel and all the things I have to do to keep myself living. If this is even part of what someone who suffers from suicidal tendencies feels like my heart is with them!

I have to go listen to some uplifting music my heart is so heavy right now. If you are reading this. I wish you nothing but peace, love, and wellness! Be Blessed my friends

I am alive after all!

So my last post I said that I had three classes left, I think I was off I had four. Whatever the case only one left then I will start student teaching!!! I am so proud of myself, not being conceited or anything like that. I have busted my butt for four in a half years and had to pass up many family gatherings, outings, picnics, etc because I had homework to do. I in the last stretch and I am ready to be done so I can start a new path. I have two more advisors added to my list let’s see I have my academic counselor, teacher specialist, student teacher advisor, and I don’t remember what the other person’s role is.

My #2 daughter took herself off her medication. I am not happy about it at all. I understand her reasonings but what happens if she regresses? She hasn’t gone to therapy to learn the coping skills she needs. She has been visiting a friend of hers back in Wisconsin and will be back home Friday. I cannot wait to see her beautiful face! The other day I was really upset about something and I called her up to chat. Once we hung up I felt so much better, she has a way of making you laugh and forgetting stress. I text her thanking her for the conversation and many laughs.

I had to get a new computer a month ago my desktop was failing fast. I have a TON of school/teaching resources on it and I didn’t want it to completely die before I could transfer the files over to the new one.

I am trying to still get my house together. The boxes are all gone but it needs paint and decorating done. I have two different types of flooring on the first floor and it drives me crazy. It doesn’t match and it isn’t done correctly. I have plants on my patio that make it so pretty. When I first brought the jasmine home it was so fragrant but since I repotted it, it isn’t fragrant any longer. Hopefully it will start smelling pretty again. I also have some lavender, a cherry tomato plant, red and yellow bell pepper plants. I am so excited to see little cherry tomatoes starting to sprout up. The bell peppers have flowers all over 🙂

Eating home grown food tastes wonderful!!! I would love to grow a bunch of Roma tomatoes so I can make my own marinara sauce. Everything is a work in progress and one day my home will be where I want it.

The weather is getting hot so I have to go shopping for summer clothes tomorrow or I will be dying of the heat!! I am already starting to get nice coloring on my upper body, now my lower body is pitifully white. I have to change that I can’t walk around looking goofy lol.

Looks like it is time for me to get back to homework. Be back soon. Hope whoever is reading this is blessed and well!

ta ta for now friends

 

Moving sucks

So my mom and I both bought houses. We don’t close on our house for two more weeks, so that means we have to move twice in 2 weeks 😒. I am so excited to be in my own home again. I have been in a small room for a little over a year. It isn’t exactly easy to be a preschool teacher, go to school, and sleep all in the same room. I remember hearing teachers say how they need a lot of storage for their supplies; I totally get it now!! I really do need a room with a ton of shelves. 

Our new home has a lot of storage space and I can’t wait to get all my belongings back with me. Most of it had been in storage. As much as moving sucks I am looking forward to getting my life back on track and organized. 

M (#2 daughter that suffers from depression & BPD) has been doing really well. It seems te medication combination she is on is working. Now all she needs to do is get her ass in therapy!!! She seems to avoid that very important step. She wants to get off her medication but I don’t feel it is a good idea until she gets some therapy. She made a comment about wanting a friend to come live with her…..at my house. I told her no one is coming to my house and living with me and my family that I don’t know. Heck she doesn’t really know this person either. She just doesn’t get it and that is part of why therapy is so important; her perception of things is….well… Messed up! 

Ok I have to get back to laundry and cleaning. Ta ta for now! 

We can be our own worst critic!

My boss is down closing the preschool in one week. I wanted to buy the preschool so badly but it’s just not the right time. I updated my resume and put it out there for other preschools to see and contact me if they are looking for teachers. I have been getting at least two to three emails a day since. The unfortunate thing is most of them are too far away. I am not going to drive 45 minutes to an hour when I would be paying too much in gas. One preschool that contacted me is like 20 minutes from my house. I went on to the preschool’s website to see what they are about. I loved the fact that all of their teachers have been in education between eight to seventeen years. All of them are former elementary teachers. It was a bit intimidating to me at first because I will be getting my degree in a year. I have five classes left then it is on to student teaching. I was telling my boss about it and she asked me if I was nervous and I was honest and said a little. She told me I’m crazy that I am very good at what I do and just because I have not been in an elementary classroom doesn’t mean much. I giggled because how many times do we do that to ourselves? We start letting fear get a hold of us and then we start looking at negative things. We can be our own worst critic. I told her I know I am very qualified and instead of being intimidated I am turning it around and looking at all that experience these women have can contribute to me learning and growing more! The interview went well and hopefully I will hear back from them. I am not worrying about it because I know there is a teaching position out there for me.

There is one part of my job that pulls at my heartstrings and that is foster children. I have never worked with them before until I came here. One child has literally stolen my heart. She was here for 8 months when she had to go back to her mom. The mom has two other children and there were quite a few people saying it was too soon but the judge ruled and the children all went back. The foster mom was devastated, I was devastated, and the child was devastated. I just had a bad feeling about it. I kept in contact with the foster mom and one day I received a text that the child was back with her. I was happy and sad at the same time. That poor child has to be going through so much right now!!!  When the child came back to school, she was distant and different. She stayed by my side but she was stressed out. It looks like the foster mom is going to adopt the child so I am so happy that she will have stability in her life. I feel really bad for the biological mom because I feel like she needed more time and support so she could be successful. Addiction is an ugly thing.

There was another child in foster care. That situation was whacked as well. My boss received a phone call from the foster mom that the children were back with her again. My heart just aches for these children!! I don’t judge their families because we all have moments we are weak BUT when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child that has to be the most important.

My daughter is doing awesome!! After we came back from Las Vegas she has been different. She is coming out of her room, going places, and feeling good. I swear she is also dealing with PCOS. I see the symptoms she is displaying and unfortunately is in the family. My sister and I have it. So I have to get her to a doctor to get her hormones checked! We have to go to her therapy appointment today so we will see how that goes. She was telling me yesterday she wants to get a job, she doesn’t want to depend on me for money. She really needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and yet there are times she can’t get out of bed. I told her that we can write down her goals and make an action plan. She looked at me confused…..how to get to the goals….OHHHHHH she says. Yea a little ditzy moment. She is supposed to do DBT but she is refusing because she doesn’t want to do groups at all. I honestly believe it is because some of the people make her uncomfortable and she thinks she is going to be judged. Her perception of things can be way off many times. Maybe she should just do individual until her self-esteem gets better? That will be something to talk to the therapist about.

I have to get to work, so have a great day. Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

Las Vegas

The family and I are in Las Vegas for the first time. It’s beautiful around here! My daughter is doing really well, she has only needed her anxiety medication two times. If she starts feeling nauseated (thanks to her meds) or overwhelmed we’ll go back to the room for a bit. It is wonderful to see her out and about with a smile on!! While we were are dinner I turned around to look for the bathrooms and was surprised to see Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias. He told my hubby to come over for a pic, he’s really nice. Wish we were able to go do more things but it’s expensive!!! At leas we are going to the Secret Garden sometime today. I gambled on one machine didnt win a thing. At least I can say I gambled in Vegas lol. 

I need a vacation

I should be writing my paper but I am not motivated. I love love love learning what will make me a better teacher and person. I love to learn however, I need a break. I do what I need to do but guess what folks I am human and need a break! I don’t want to hear suck it up! why? Because I am fully aware that if I want a degree I have to EARN it and earning it means hard work and sacrifice. Remember I said I am human? I get unmotivated and need to revisit what my goals are and I have to get motivated again. OK that rant is done

When we moved last year I left behind my twins that were in my preschool. They would have been going to kindergarten anyway in two months so our days were numbered but I have to say I missed them so much. I have kept in touch with their mom, see pictures on Facebook, and talk on the phone sometimes. Their mom needed a mini vacation and brought the twins out here!! I was able to spend 4 glorious days with them. My heart was overfilled with joy. They were equally happy to spend time with me. They were always hugging me or following me to where I would go. I am so proud of how well they are doing in school. LOVE IT!!!

My daughter is finally going to be starting DBT. I need to do more research on it. I asked her therapist what I can do to support my daughter, what to do what not to do, etc and was told going online has a lot of information. I knew that but having specific websites would be good. I think I need to get into therapy myself so I can get out my hopes and fears about my daughter. I also need to know how to deal with her it’s not like I woke up one day and know how to handle BPD. The new medicine she has been on is making a difference thank God! She is coming out of her room more and I see more of her sassy attitude coming out. A month ago I noticed what I thought was a scratch on her arm but it turned out to be her cutting. I couldn’t say anything I could only cry. Luckily we were in her psychologist’s office and she saw it too. J was able to ask my daughter what happened that she cut, what was she feeling, and other questions. It is evident that my daughter really does have bad coping skills and also have no clue who she is. One positive thing I have learned is my schooling will help me through this. I need to go back to my past psychology classes and find my books especially with Skinner’s theory (I believe that’s the one).  Once I find a therapist for me I can talk to them about what I have learned and how to apply it to my daughter properly.

There needs to be some major changes in my and my husband’s lives in the next few months. Hopefully he will get this promotion that will give him better benefits and pay. He took a huge leap of faith with this job and I hope that faith pays off for him. We need to have our own home so our family can get back to normal. I am grateful for where we live but living with others is not easy, especially when there are double standards. The question is do we rent or try to buy? If we wait until I am out of school and working at a teaching job we could qualify for certain programs to help us with buying a house. I will make more  money and we would be able to get a better house than what we can afford now. I seem to be typing out my answer lol. As much as we want to buy a house now I know it is better to wait. So now that search will be on for a home we can afford to rent. Believe it or not apartments are crazy expensive to rent around here especially three bedroom ones.

I think I have figured out why I am struggling with motivation lately and I don’t think it is just with school. Not having our own home, dealing with my daughter’s BPD, helping my son with understanding his sister and helping him not shut down emotionally, my health, etc. Maybe I need a vacation! Take a minute to breathe, press the reset button, and recharge so I can deal with all of this stuff. See, journaling or blogging does help!

I just need to find a physical trainer that has knowledge about someone who has hypothyroid/adrenal issues and understands I cannot workout for 2 hours a day and over doing it.

Time for me to get this paper done so ta ta for now.

 

 

Today’s ramble

I’m sitting here watching 2016 Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards. Tracee Ellis Ross just won an award. She talked about watching a documentary on Nina Simone, Traccee wondered why she had not known about Nina sooner, why had she not learned about her beauty years ago and she thank Essence for continuing to show them and the world their texture, beauty, and waking everyone up. All I could think of is why are there so many award shows that divide us? Honestly there are so many wonderful people from different cultures and races that have made the world a better place because of inventing something, helping people, teaching, etc. Why can’t we just have award shows that unite us? Just at that moment I started thinking this my phone chimed.

My sister sent me a video on my Facebook about a mother telling her daughter to make sure she doesn’t forget her sisters, they’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then, do things with them. Remember that “sisters” mean ALL the women; your girlfriends, your daughters, and all you other women relatives. You’ll need other women, women always do. A picture appeared of all these different women that was connected to the daughter. These different women were different from different ethnic backgrounds and races. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays in her life. Time passes, life happens, distance separates, children grow up, jobs come and go, hearts break, careers end, parents die, love waxes and wanes, colleagues forget favors, BUT…….sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes they will even break the rules and walk beside you or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters in laws, granddaughters, daughter in laws, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, cousins, nieces all bless our lives. Every day we need each other still.

YES, exactly sisters we need each other! We are connected and need each other. We need to come together as humans and lift each other up. All these things in the world that try to divide us needs to stop, we need to love more, understand more, listen more, be more compassionate, give more, and be in harmony more.

In all honesty it’s not just sisters we need, we need our brothers too (can’t leave them out). 🙂

As the elections are coming, the candidates are flinging some major negativity out there. I honestly don’t know if I like anyone. For so many years we have politicians that want more government and the PEOPLE suffer. Why was it so much easier economic wise in the 50s? Why can’t we go back to that? Why does America look so messy? Division, blame, greed, lies……This is not what WE THE PEOPLE are about. How can these politicians have doctorates or whatever degrees in government, economics, etc and yet we are a mess? Democrats and Republicans are from the same bird and need to do something to come together to make us better again. Maybe they should watch that video and stop their toddler tantrums and being greedy! I’m actually supposed to be writing a paper but I can’t get the flow to go. So when I was watching the awards it made my thoughts take off so I’m here rambling. I better end this for now. I feel my headache coming back. Be blessed 🙂