Chris Cornell

Ever since I first heard about the death of Chris Cornell my emotions have been all over the place. Some may say I have been triggered because of my daughter’s suicide attempts. There are a few different reason flying around the media as to why Chris committed suicide. I have heard it was because of a medication he took too much of and that he was just depressed. Chris is the only one that can answer that question and it is heartbreaking to me that his wife and children are left with a huge hole in their hearts and in their lives. Back in January a friend’s son who was only 16 years old committed suicide; his mom and little brother found him, they had to be the ones to cut him down. My emotions and my heart cannot even begin to process the pain that my friend felt that day and continues to feel everyday. I was very good friends with her father, he passed away a year ago in Feb. I can only hope my friend has his grandson there with him. How many times have we heard of young children dying from suicide because of bullying? How do we stop this? How do we help someone so deep in depression know they are loved, wanted, and matter? I have talked to my daughter and she told me she gets so tired of fighting with herself. She is tired of feeling like a failure in life, she knows she is loved yet she feels like she is swimming in the pit of never-ending darkness. I have read and heard from others that suicide is to end the pain, end the constant internal fight.

I sit there and listen. Wow how powerful is that! Then I hear people say that someone who commits suicide is a selfish coward. I’m not quiet about that at all! EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Someone who is trying to end their pain is not looking for attention. Are there attention seekers out there? Yes, however, many people are far from seeking attention!! Mental illness is no joke! It can be so exhausting, heartbreaking, and cruel. I get so irritated at my daughter for not doing everything she can do try to get better but I have to be patient and not push her. It is easy for me to say, go to therapy, take your pills, exercise, get out in the sun etc etc. But when she already fights with herself I don’t want to be a nag. So what do I do? I get my Young Living and DoTerra oils and I rub her down, I diffuse them in the air, I turn on my hymalayan salt lamp, I make smoothies, juices, and other healthy meals,  give her supplements, play relaxing and uplifting music. Does it work? I think it helps a bit but no matter what I have to try. I pray over my children, I pray over my home, I burn frankincense and myrrh, rosemary, and sage (only the frankincense and myrrh together). I read books that will help me understand my daughter and how to deal with her. I can’t go to therapy just yet, not until our insurance kicks in. I am not too proud to say I need help to learn how to deal with my feelings, and so I don’t feel like I am walking on egg shells around my daughter.

When I am finished with school in a few months I want to look into how I can help suicidal people. I want our mental healthcare to get better and do better so I need to find out how I can advocate for this to happen.

I suffer from different health issues and I get tired of the way I feel and all the things I have to do to keep myself living. If this is even part of what someone who suffers from suicidal tendencies feels like my heart is with them!

I have to go listen to some uplifting music my heart is so heavy right now. If you are reading this. I wish you nothing but peace, love, and wellness! Be Blessed my friends

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We can be our own worst critic!

My boss is down closing the preschool in one week. I wanted to buy the preschool so badly but it’s just not the right time. I updated my resume and put it out there for other preschools to see and contact me if they are looking for teachers. I have been getting at least two to three emails a day since. The unfortunate thing is most of them are too far away. I am not going to drive 45 minutes to an hour when I would be paying too much in gas. One preschool that contacted me is like 20 minutes from my house. I went on to the preschool’s website to see what they are about. I loved the fact that all of their teachers have been in education between eight to seventeen years. All of them are former elementary teachers. It was a bit intimidating to me at first because I will be getting my degree in a year. I have five classes left then it is on to student teaching. I was telling my boss about it and she asked me if I was nervous and I was honest and said a little. She told me I’m crazy that I am very good at what I do and just because I have not been in an elementary classroom doesn’t mean much. I giggled because how many times do we do that to ourselves? We start letting fear get a hold of us and then we start looking at negative things. We can be our own worst critic. I told her I know I am very qualified and instead of being intimidated I am turning it around and looking at all that experience these women have can contribute to me learning and growing more! The interview went well and hopefully I will hear back from them. I am not worrying about it because I know there is a teaching position out there for me.

There is one part of my job that pulls at my heartstrings and that is foster children. I have never worked with them before until I came here. One child has literally stolen my heart. She was here for 8 months when she had to go back to her mom. The mom has two other children and there were quite a few people saying it was too soon but the judge ruled and the children all went back. The foster mom was devastated, I was devastated, and the child was devastated. I just had a bad feeling about it. I kept in contact with the foster mom and one day I received a text that the child was back with her. I was happy and sad at the same time. That poor child has to be going through so much right now!!!  When the child came back to school, she was distant and different. She stayed by my side but she was stressed out. It looks like the foster mom is going to adopt the child so I am so happy that she will have stability in her life. I feel really bad for the biological mom because I feel like she needed more time and support so she could be successful. Addiction is an ugly thing.

There was another child in foster care. That situation was whacked as well. My boss received a phone call from the foster mom that the children were back with her again. My heart just aches for these children!! I don’t judge their families because we all have moments we are weak BUT when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child that has to be the most important.

My daughter is doing awesome!! After we came back from Las Vegas she has been different. She is coming out of her room, going places, and feeling good. I swear she is also dealing with PCOS. I see the symptoms she is displaying and unfortunately is in the family. My sister and I have it. So I have to get her to a doctor to get her hormones checked! We have to go to her therapy appointment today so we will see how that goes. She was telling me yesterday she wants to get a job, she doesn’t want to depend on me for money. She really needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and yet there are times she can’t get out of bed. I told her that we can write down her goals and make an action plan. She looked at me confused…..how to get to the goals….OHHHHHH she says. Yea a little ditzy moment. She is supposed to do DBT but she is refusing because she doesn’t want to do groups at all. I honestly believe it is because some of the people make her uncomfortable and she thinks she is going to be judged. Her perception of things can be way off many times. Maybe she should just do individual until her self-esteem gets better? That will be something to talk to the therapist about.

I have to get to work, so have a great day. Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. I feel relief that I know what is going on with her but I also have despair running like the Niagara Falls. I read about it and I understand, yet I hurt. I hurt for the frustration I go through when I deal with my daughter’s snapping at me and her self sabatoge behaviors and I hurt because I know there are steps she could take to get better. I cannot force her to do DBT or any other type of therapy. I want to see her get better and live a productive life. I’m overwhelmed with life at the moment I need for it to get better. So I write down what steps to take to get life better for myself. I have a little over a year left of school, we are trying to find a house to buy, trying to get my husband’s seniority and benefits back from work (long story), my health, and the other little everyday stressors.

I want to get a full time job so I can contribute more financially but I’m already stretched too thin. I take my daughter to her different therapies and Dr appointments every week, have to do schoolwork, cook, clean, and I’m concerned about my son also. Since moving he has not really made quality friendships where they would hang out. I have watched him become a loner trying to stay in his room and either play computer games with his old friends or Xbox. His attitude is different and I know our living situation adds to the stress we all feel. I pray, I say affirmations, I stand on faith. I am trying to keep my frame of mind as positive as possible. I know that a rough and bumpy road can turn around and have a  beautiful outcome. There is always a lesson to be learned in any and all situations. There are times i need to let loose and just vent about my frustrations but then get myself back on track.

My daughter told me about a friend of hers that was at the behavior hospital with her a few months back, he tried to commit suicide last night. I asked her how is she doing and she says fine. She knows exactly how he feels, he just is tired of fighting with himself and that he just wants it all to stop. I remember her telling me that every moment of everyday she had thoughts of killing herself. It breaks my heart that anyone deals with such a tragedy.  I asked if it triggers her at all and she said no but quite honestly I don’t not believe she would be able to recognize if it did. I have watched my baby go down hill a lot over the past three years. She made a comment today at the Dr.’s office that she feels lonely and wants to get her old friends back. Hmmmm, the same friends that really don’t call or text her? The same friends she constantly put first before her own family? The same friends that really are not good friends for her? Yes, that would be them. Her anxiety has been going through the roof lately and she is now going to be on anxiety meds. Medication is only a small part of her therapy she needs to be in DBT therapy and the place she was going to allowed her to stop coming. The Dr. was MAD today that the therapist did not even consult her about closing my daughter’s case.  So it’s once step forward, two steps back. Sigh

This is going to work out right? Things will be ok right? Faith faith faith standing on faith!

Ok, rant over. Thank you for letting to vent 🙂

 

 

I need a vacation

I should be writing my paper but I am not motivated. I love love love learning what will make me a better teacher and person. I love to learn however, I need a break. I do what I need to do but guess what folks I am human and need a break! I don’t want to hear suck it up! why? Because I am fully aware that if I want a degree I have to EARN it and earning it means hard work and sacrifice. Remember I said I am human? I get unmotivated and need to revisit what my goals are and I have to get motivated again. OK that rant is done

When we moved last year I left behind my twins that were in my preschool. They would have been going to kindergarten anyway in two months so our days were numbered but I have to say I missed them so much. I have kept in touch with their mom, see pictures on Facebook, and talk on the phone sometimes. Their mom needed a mini vacation and brought the twins out here!! I was able to spend 4 glorious days with them. My heart was overfilled with joy. They were equally happy to spend time with me. They were always hugging me or following me to where I would go. I am so proud of how well they are doing in school. LOVE IT!!!

My daughter is finally going to be starting DBT. I need to do more research on it. I asked her therapist what I can do to support my daughter, what to do what not to do, etc and was told going online has a lot of information. I knew that but having specific websites would be good. I think I need to get into therapy myself so I can get out my hopes and fears about my daughter. I also need to know how to deal with her it’s not like I woke up one day and know how to handle BPD. The new medicine she has been on is making a difference thank God! She is coming out of her room more and I see more of her sassy attitude coming out. A month ago I noticed what I thought was a scratch on her arm but it turned out to be her cutting. I couldn’t say anything I could only cry. Luckily we were in her psychologist’s office and she saw it too. J was able to ask my daughter what happened that she cut, what was she feeling, and other questions. It is evident that my daughter really does have bad coping skills and also have no clue who she is. One positive thing I have learned is my schooling will help me through this. I need to go back to my past psychology classes and find my books especially with Skinner’s theory (I believe that’s the one).  Once I find a therapist for me I can talk to them about what I have learned and how to apply it to my daughter properly.

There needs to be some major changes in my and my husband’s lives in the next few months. Hopefully he will get this promotion that will give him better benefits and pay. He took a huge leap of faith with this job and I hope that faith pays off for him. We need to have our own home so our family can get back to normal. I am grateful for where we live but living with others is not easy, especially when there are double standards. The question is do we rent or try to buy? If we wait until I am out of school and working at a teaching job we could qualify for certain programs to help us with buying a house. I will make more  money and we would be able to get a better house than what we can afford now. I seem to be typing out my answer lol. As much as we want to buy a house now I know it is better to wait. So now that search will be on for a home we can afford to rent. Believe it or not apartments are crazy expensive to rent around here especially three bedroom ones.

I think I have figured out why I am struggling with motivation lately and I don’t think it is just with school. Not having our own home, dealing with my daughter’s BPD, helping my son with understanding his sister and helping him not shut down emotionally, my health, etc. Maybe I need a vacation! Take a minute to breathe, press the reset button, and recharge so I can deal with all of this stuff. See, journaling or blogging does help!

I just need to find a physical trainer that has knowledge about someone who has hypothyroid/adrenal issues and understands I cannot workout for 2 hours a day and over doing it.

Time for me to get this paper done so ta ta for now.

 

 

Can I vent a little?

I was with my daughter at one of her appointments and she was asked if she knows who she is. I kept quiet and looked at my baby and she was blank. I wanted to know why the Dr. asked the question. Some people at 19 years old don’t know who they are and add in someone who has borderline personality disorder she REALLY doesn’t know who she is. I was a bit miffed because I felt that question made my daughter feel even worse about herself. The Dr. did tell her that there is hope, that there is so much for her to stay alive for, and that she was in good hands. Ok, all is forgiven I am no longer miffed.

I am frustrated because the process to getting my daughter on a treatment plan has been slow. I understand she is not the only person in the state that needs help, I know they are doing the best they can. I am frustrated and overwhelmed at home with BPD and depression. I hear Sam Cooke’s song A Change Is Gonna Come over and over in my head and I have to believe it to be true. I do a lot of listening to my daughter…..that’s if she talks. I ask her how can I help her. Is that a dumb question? She doesn’t even know how to help herself. She stays up all night and sleeps until I get home from work in the early afternoon. I try to make her juices that will help her body, does she drink them? Nooooo, why drink something that can help detox, heal, and nourish her body? I ask her to go for walks with me….no, I ask her to come to work with me…no, I ask I ask I ask and am told no. There are times I ask a question and I get my head bit off. Oh she is so lucky I don’t paddle her behind (kidding).

So then I got to thinking about the Dr’s question, life is about learning who we are all the time, that never changes. Who I am and was has changed quite a bit over the past 40 years. I would like to think that I have gotten better with age and experience. I love how sometimes we have questions about why certain situations happened to us and when we finally figure out why we have a much better understanding. That is why I trust God to help me through these times and I wait to figure out these answers. So far I have been fortunate to find life’s answers to my questions. This part of my life I am struggling quite a bit.

I feel like I have to be strong for my family and there are moments I’m tired. I feel like I need a vacation to Sedona!! I burned sage and prayed in my daughter’s room yesterday. Funny thing, like a half hour later, she cleaned it really well :).

On a positive note, I found out I got a $.50 raise!! My boss told me how much she appreciates everything I do. I love her! She is going through something very similar with her daughter and sister. We try to help each other deal with the mental illness of our loved ones and do our best. It is nice to have someone who understands me.

Thank you for listening (reading) my vent. I feel better already!! Be Blessed

Until Next Time

Depression affects more than one person

My life was thrown upside down Wednesday night. I was texting with my youngest daughter when she started saying she needed to get away. She wanted me to get her a hotel room for the night. I could not afford that, nor would I have even if I had the money. She proceeds to say that she would sleep in the park….uh no she would freeze to death. Then it comes out, she doesn’t care if she froze to death, she wanted to die. There it is that evil darkness throwing my daughter into a crazy spin that she doesn’t know how to control. She tells me she has taken 45 of her anxiety pills WHAT THE FUCK!!! How am I on a cell phone seeing that my daughter doesn’t want to live and she is taking pills that won’t stop her heart right away but will cause organ damage, toxicity, and that could take her away from me. How can I save my baby? How can I make all this go away? How do I protect her? I can’t…. I can’t do a fucking thing unless she wants me to and lets me but guess what she doesn’t.

I text her friend asking her where is she, she is downstairs. I tell her to get up to my daughter because she has taken pills and call 911. I try finding a number so I can call an ambulance to get to my baby before any damage is done. Why the fuck can I not find a damn number besides 911 that will not work 1900 miles away?!?! I text my oldest daughter and tell her to call 911 and give her the address because I know she is going to be too upset to remember. The friend thought maybe it would be a good idea to drive my daughter to the hospital……that’s 30 minutes away…..are you kidding me? Holy shit I am dealing with idiots. I know it’s not nice but this is my baby; a child I have loved for 20 years being 20 years ago I was pregnant with her. OMG OMG OMG this is the worst feeling in the world, I can’t live my life without her. I can’t lose her. I can’t breathe my heart hurts, I feel hopeless, FUCK what do I do? Dear God please please please don’t take her from me. My daughter texts me saying the popo is there and thanks she might go to jail. Seriously? I don’t give a flying fig if she goes to jail at least she’s alive. I call my nephew who is a detective to ask him to look into how this all goes down. Is my daughter arrested? Does she have to go to court? Can I get power of attorney over her? I have to save her, I have to make her better! She deserves to be free from depression, anxiety, from wanting to die, from feeling unloved, unsafe, unimportant. Doesn’t she know how much she is loved? How much her family loves her and is her biggest fan? Why is she so blind? Damn that darkness it is blinding her, she can see our love and our fear. She can’t see we struggle with her. She texts me saying liquid charcoal tastes like ass. Ahhhh there is my baby, sarcasm and humor. A phone call telling me she is at a psychiatric hospital, she sounds angry. She is out now, with four medications which I feel is stupid since she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but she is court ordered to do it.

She won’t let me help her. I give her the options she has and yet she chooses to stay in an area where it is not healthy for her. She has no job, no money, no car. She isn’t eating healthy, not exercising, not doing anything. She is not taking care of herself, not making good choices, nothing….She gets depressed, wants to run away from it all, wants to die, and then it starts all over again. Why won’t she do anything to change it? Doesn’t she realize there is hope? Why won’t she listen to me? I hurt, my heart screams, my body aches because I can’t do a damn thing.

I have to sit by and just pray for her. She has to want to get the help she needs to stop this madness and have a better life. Hopeless, helpless, trapped, worried,desperate, scared, angry, defeated, pushed away, rejected are all the emotions that flow through me. I have to do something to protect myself from a break down. I have to make sure I am emotionally and physically healthy I still have two children, a husband, school, work to continue with. Even though my children at work aren’t mine biologically I still love them, they feed off my energy and mood so I have to make sure it is the best it can be. We are all connected.

I feel my daughters pain and my own pain, it sure hurts. Please body don’t fail me now, don’t shut down, keep illness away. I promise I will release this and get back to center. Dear God send strength, send angels, send love, send my guardians, my animal spirits, send healing, send protection, send comfort. Mother Earth as I stand on you take away the negativity and pain. Sage smoke purify my thoughts, my emotions, cleanse all of me and drive out what is not of love. God can I stand in the gap for my daughter to be helped, healed, protected, comforted? I ask, seek, and knock!

My husband stands back worried for me, worried for our family, worried for my daughter. He feels helpless, hopeless, what can he do? He’s supposed to be the protector of his family and yet he can’t do anything but love her, support her, pray for her, and be there for her and the rest of us.

My son and oldest daughter see their sister, mother, and father all hurting, struggling, and doing their best. They try to help, they try to make it better. My son asks mom doesn’t my sister know how great she is? how much we love her? How blessed she is? I tell my son that depression is like a thick darkness that makes it hard to see and feel those things. It affects the way she makes choices, how she lives her life, and her being stuck.

My cat lays on my lap, on my chest, by my side. He looks up at me and meows and rubs his face all over my hand. He purrs trying to make me all better. I go in the living room he follows, I go in the kitchen he follows, I go to the bathroom he follows.

I talk to my boss. I tell her I can’t come in. She takes over my classroom and call in the secretary to make sure she is upfront to hold down the fort. We talk for an hour and I find out the issues going on at work and in her family. We tell each other we will get through this and we will pray for each other.

My mom, my sisters, my best friend, my ex husband. We all are affected by someone’s depression. We are all connected

Sorry if the bad language offended anyone. I needed to be real with what I wrote down. It almost seemed like the more I said the F word the more it released tension and emotion. It might sound crazy or like an excuse but it’s my truth.