Moving sucks

So my mom and I both bought houses. We don’t close on our house for two more weeks, so that means we have to move twice in 2 weeks 😒. I am so excited to be in my own home again. I have been in a small room for a little over a year. It isn’t exactly easy to be a preschool teacher, go to school, and sleep all in the same room. I remember hearing teachers say how they need a lot of storage for their supplies; I totally get it now!! I really do need a room with a ton of shelves. 

Our new home has a lot of storage space and I can’t wait to get all my belongings back with me. Most of it had been in storage. As much as moving sucks I am looking forward to getting my life back on track and organized. 

M (#2 daughter that suffers from depression & BPD) has been doing really well. It seems te medication combination she is on is working. Now all she needs to do is get her ass in therapy!!! She seems to avoid that very important step. She wants to get off her medication but I don’t feel it is a good idea until she gets some therapy. She made a comment about wanting a friend to come live with her…..at my house. I told her no one is coming to my house and living with me and my family that I don’t know. Heck she doesn’t really know this person either. She just doesn’t get it and that is part of why therapy is so important; her perception of things is….well… Messed up! 

Ok I have to get back to laundry and cleaning. Ta ta for now! 

We can be our own worst critic!

My boss is down closing the preschool in one week. I wanted to buy the preschool so badly but it’s just not the right time. I updated my resume and put it out there for other preschools to see and contact me if they are looking for teachers. I have been getting at least two to three emails a day since. The unfortunate thing is most of them are too far away. I am not going to drive 45 minutes to an hour when I would be paying too much in gas. One preschool that contacted me is like 20 minutes from my house. I went on to the preschool’s website to see what they are about. I loved the fact that all of their teachers have been in education between eight to seventeen years. All of them are former elementary teachers. It was a bit intimidating to me at first because I will be getting my degree in a year. I have five classes left then it is on to student teaching. I was telling my boss about it and she asked me if I was nervous and I was honest and said a little. She told me I’m crazy that I am very good at what I do and just because I have not been in an elementary classroom doesn’t mean much. I giggled because how many times do we do that to ourselves? We start letting fear get a hold of us and then we start looking at negative things. We can be our own worst critic. I told her I know I am very qualified and instead of being intimidated I am turning it around and looking at all that experience these women have can contribute to me learning and growing more! The interview went well and hopefully I will hear back from them. I am not worrying about it because I know there is a teaching position out there for me.

There is one part of my job that pulls at my heartstrings and that is foster children. I have never worked with them before until I came here. One child has literally stolen my heart. She was here for 8 months when she had to go back to her mom. The mom has two other children and there were quite a few people saying it was too soon but the judge ruled and the children all went back. The foster mom was devastated, I was devastated, and the child was devastated. I just had a bad feeling about it. I kept in contact with the foster mom and one day I received a text that the child was back with her. I was happy and sad at the same time. That poor child has to be going through so much right now!!!  When the child came back to school, she was distant and different. She stayed by my side but she was stressed out. It looks like the foster mom is going to adopt the child so I am so happy that she will have stability in her life. I feel really bad for the biological mom because I feel like she needed more time and support so she could be successful. Addiction is an ugly thing.

There was another child in foster care. That situation was whacked as well. My boss received a phone call from the foster mom that the children were back with her again. My heart just aches for these children!! I don’t judge their families because we all have moments we are weak BUT when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child that has to be the most important.

My daughter is doing awesome!! After we came back from Las Vegas she has been different. She is coming out of her room, going places, and feeling good. I swear she is also dealing with PCOS. I see the symptoms she is displaying and unfortunately is in the family. My sister and I have it. So I have to get her to a doctor to get her hormones checked! We have to go to her therapy appointment today so we will see how that goes. She was telling me yesterday she wants to get a job, she doesn’t want to depend on me for money. She really needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and yet there are times she can’t get out of bed. I told her that we can write down her goals and make an action plan. She looked at me confused…..how to get to the goals….OHHHHHH she says. Yea a little ditzy moment. She is supposed to do DBT but she is refusing because she doesn’t want to do groups at all. I honestly believe it is because some of the people make her uncomfortable and she thinks she is going to be judged. Her perception of things can be way off many times. Maybe she should just do individual until her self-esteem gets better? That will be something to talk to the therapist about.

I have to get to work, so have a great day. Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

Las Vegas

The family and I are in Las Vegas for the first time. It’s beautiful around here! My daughter is doing really well, she has only needed her anxiety medication two times. If she starts feeling nauseated (thanks to her meds) or overwhelmed we’ll go back to the room for a bit. It is wonderful to see her out and about with a smile on!! While we were are dinner I turned around to look for the bathrooms and was surprised to see Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias. He told my hubby to come over for a pic, he’s really nice. Wish we were able to go do more things but it’s expensive!!! At leas we are going to the Secret Garden sometime today. I gambled on one machine didnt win a thing. At least I can say I gambled in Vegas lol. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. I feel relief that I know what is going on with her but I also have despair running like the Niagara Falls. I read about it and I understand, yet I hurt. I hurt for the frustration I go through when I deal with my daughter’s snapping at me and her self sabatoge behaviors and I hurt because I know there are steps she could take to get better. I cannot force her to do DBT or any other type of therapy. I want to see her get better and live a productive life. I’m overwhelmed with life at the moment I need for it to get better. So I write down what steps to take to get life better for myself. I have a little over a year left of school, we are trying to find a house to buy, trying to get my husband’s seniority and benefits back from work (long story), my health, and the other little everyday stressors.

I want to get a full time job so I can contribute more financially but I’m already stretched too thin. I take my daughter to her different therapies and Dr appointments every week, have to do schoolwork, cook, clean, and I’m concerned about my son also. Since moving he has not really made quality friendships where they would hang out. I have watched him become a loner trying to stay in his room and either play computer games with his old friends or Xbox. His attitude is different and I know our living situation adds to the stress we all feel. I pray, I say affirmations, I stand on faith. I am trying to keep my frame of mind as positive as possible. I know that a rough and bumpy road can turn around and have a  beautiful outcome. There is always a lesson to be learned in any and all situations. There are times i need to let loose and just vent about my frustrations but then get myself back on track.

My daughter told me about a friend of hers that was at the behavior hospital with her a few months back, he tried to commit suicide last night. I asked her how is she doing and she says fine. She knows exactly how he feels, he just is tired of fighting with himself and that he just wants it all to stop. I remember her telling me that every moment of everyday she had thoughts of killing herself. It breaks my heart that anyone deals with such a tragedy.  I asked if it triggers her at all and she said no but quite honestly I don’t not believe she would be able to recognize if it did. I have watched my baby go down hill a lot over the past three years. She made a comment today at the Dr.’s office that she feels lonely and wants to get her old friends back. Hmmmm, the same friends that really don’t call or text her? The same friends she constantly put first before her own family? The same friends that really are not good friends for her? Yes, that would be them. Her anxiety has been going through the roof lately and she is now going to be on anxiety meds. Medication is only a small part of her therapy she needs to be in DBT therapy and the place she was going to allowed her to stop coming. The Dr. was MAD today that the therapist did not even consult her about closing my daughter’s case.  So it’s once step forward, two steps back. Sigh

This is going to work out right? Things will be ok right? Faith faith faith standing on faith!

Ok, rant over. Thank you for letting to vent 🙂

 

 

I need a vacation

I should be writing my paper but I am not motivated. I love love love learning what will make me a better teacher and person. I love to learn however, I need a break. I do what I need to do but guess what folks I am human and need a break! I don’t want to hear suck it up! why? Because I am fully aware that if I want a degree I have to EARN it and earning it means hard work and sacrifice. Remember I said I am human? I get unmotivated and need to revisit what my goals are and I have to get motivated again. OK that rant is done

When we moved last year I left behind my twins that were in my preschool. They would have been going to kindergarten anyway in two months so our days were numbered but I have to say I missed them so much. I have kept in touch with their mom, see pictures on Facebook, and talk on the phone sometimes. Their mom needed a mini vacation and brought the twins out here!! I was able to spend 4 glorious days with them. My heart was overfilled with joy. They were equally happy to spend time with me. They were always hugging me or following me to where I would go. I am so proud of how well they are doing in school. LOVE IT!!!

My daughter is finally going to be starting DBT. I need to do more research on it. I asked her therapist what I can do to support my daughter, what to do what not to do, etc and was told going online has a lot of information. I knew that but having specific websites would be good. I think I need to get into therapy myself so I can get out my hopes and fears about my daughter. I also need to know how to deal with her it’s not like I woke up one day and know how to handle BPD. The new medicine she has been on is making a difference thank God! She is coming out of her room more and I see more of her sassy attitude coming out. A month ago I noticed what I thought was a scratch on her arm but it turned out to be her cutting. I couldn’t say anything I could only cry. Luckily we were in her psychologist’s office and she saw it too. J was able to ask my daughter what happened that she cut, what was she feeling, and other questions. It is evident that my daughter really does have bad coping skills and also have no clue who she is. One positive thing I have learned is my schooling will help me through this. I need to go back to my past psychology classes and find my books especially with Skinner’s theory (I believe that’s the one).  Once I find a therapist for me I can talk to them about what I have learned and how to apply it to my daughter properly.

There needs to be some major changes in my and my husband’s lives in the next few months. Hopefully he will get this promotion that will give him better benefits and pay. He took a huge leap of faith with this job and I hope that faith pays off for him. We need to have our own home so our family can get back to normal. I am grateful for where we live but living with others is not easy, especially when there are double standards. The question is do we rent or try to buy? If we wait until I am out of school and working at a teaching job we could qualify for certain programs to help us with buying a house. I will make more  money and we would be able to get a better house than what we can afford now. I seem to be typing out my answer lol. As much as we want to buy a house now I know it is better to wait. So now that search will be on for a home we can afford to rent. Believe it or not apartments are crazy expensive to rent around here especially three bedroom ones.

I think I have figured out why I am struggling with motivation lately and I don’t think it is just with school. Not having our own home, dealing with my daughter’s BPD, helping my son with understanding his sister and helping him not shut down emotionally, my health, etc. Maybe I need a vacation! Take a minute to breathe, press the reset button, and recharge so I can deal with all of this stuff. See, journaling or blogging does help!

I just need to find a physical trainer that has knowledge about someone who has hypothyroid/adrenal issues and understands I cannot workout for 2 hours a day and over doing it.

Time for me to get this paper done so ta ta for now.

 

 

Today’s ramble

I’m sitting here watching 2016 Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards. Tracee Ellis Ross just won an award. She talked about watching a documentary on Nina Simone, Traccee wondered why she had not known about Nina sooner, why had she not learned about her beauty years ago and she thank Essence for continuing to show them and the world their texture, beauty, and waking everyone up. All I could think of is why are there so many award shows that divide us? Honestly there are so many wonderful people from different cultures and races that have made the world a better place because of inventing something, helping people, teaching, etc. Why can’t we just have award shows that unite us? Just at that moment I started thinking this my phone chimed.

My sister sent me a video on my Facebook about a mother telling her daughter to make sure she doesn’t forget her sisters, they’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then, do things with them. Remember that “sisters” mean ALL the women; your girlfriends, your daughters, and all you other women relatives. You’ll need other women, women always do. A picture appeared of all these different women that was connected to the daughter. These different women were different from different ethnic backgrounds and races. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays in her life. Time passes, life happens, distance separates, children grow up, jobs come and go, hearts break, careers end, parents die, love waxes and wanes, colleagues forget favors, BUT…….sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes they will even break the rules and walk beside you or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters in laws, granddaughters, daughter in laws, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, cousins, nieces all bless our lives. Every day we need each other still.

YES, exactly sisters we need each other! We are connected and need each other. We need to come together as humans and lift each other up. All these things in the world that try to divide us needs to stop, we need to love more, understand more, listen more, be more compassionate, give more, and be in harmony more.

In all honesty it’s not just sisters we need, we need our brothers too (can’t leave them out). 🙂

As the elections are coming, the candidates are flinging some major negativity out there. I honestly don’t know if I like anyone. For so many years we have politicians that want more government and the PEOPLE suffer. Why was it so much easier economic wise in the 50s? Why can’t we go back to that? Why does America look so messy? Division, blame, greed, lies……This is not what WE THE PEOPLE are about. How can these politicians have doctorates or whatever degrees in government, economics, etc and yet we are a mess? Democrats and Republicans are from the same bird and need to do something to come together to make us better again. Maybe they should watch that video and stop their toddler tantrums and being greedy! I’m actually supposed to be writing a paper but I can’t get the flow to go. So when I was watching the awards it made my thoughts take off so I’m here rambling. I better end this for now. I feel my headache coming back. Be blessed 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Can I vent a little?

I was with my daughter at one of her appointments and she was asked if she knows who she is. I kept quiet and looked at my baby and she was blank. I wanted to know why the Dr. asked the question. Some people at 19 years old don’t know who they are and add in someone who has borderline personality disorder she REALLY doesn’t know who she is. I was a bit miffed because I felt that question made my daughter feel even worse about herself. The Dr. did tell her that there is hope, that there is so much for her to stay alive for, and that she was in good hands. Ok, all is forgiven I am no longer miffed.

I am frustrated because the process to getting my daughter on a treatment plan has been slow. I understand she is not the only person in the state that needs help, I know they are doing the best they can. I am frustrated and overwhelmed at home with BPD and depression. I hear Sam Cooke’s song A Change Is Gonna Come over and over in my head and I have to believe it to be true. I do a lot of listening to my daughter…..that’s if she talks. I ask her how can I help her. Is that a dumb question? She doesn’t even know how to help herself. She stays up all night and sleeps until I get home from work in the early afternoon. I try to make her juices that will help her body, does she drink them? Nooooo, why drink something that can help detox, heal, and nourish her body? I ask her to go for walks with me….no, I ask her to come to work with me…no, I ask I ask I ask and am told no. There are times I ask a question and I get my head bit off. Oh she is so lucky I don’t paddle her behind (kidding).

So then I got to thinking about the Dr’s question, life is about learning who we are all the time, that never changes. Who I am and was has changed quite a bit over the past 40 years. I would like to think that I have gotten better with age and experience. I love how sometimes we have questions about why certain situations happened to us and when we finally figure out why we have a much better understanding. That is why I trust God to help me through these times and I wait to figure out these answers. So far I have been fortunate to find life’s answers to my questions. This part of my life I am struggling quite a bit.

I feel like I have to be strong for my family and there are moments I’m tired. I feel like I need a vacation to Sedona!! I burned sage and prayed in my daughter’s room yesterday. Funny thing, like a half hour later, she cleaned it really well :).

On a positive note, I found out I got a $.50 raise!! My boss told me how much she appreciates everything I do. I love her! She is going through something very similar with her daughter and sister. We try to help each other deal with the mental illness of our loved ones and do our best. It is nice to have someone who understands me.

Thank you for listening (reading) my vent. I feel better already!! Be Blessed

Until Next Time