Peace, Love, and Misuderstanding

I should be cleaning, shopping, making a menu, or even planning lessons for the next three weeks, but I’m not. I woke up to a very gray sky and not feeling too well. So I put in the movie Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding. I love that movie! My mom hates that Jane Fonda is in it because of what she did to the POWs many years ago. I totally get it but I still love the movie, including Jane’s character (the mom Grace). I have this book (the 52 Lists Project) that asks to list characters in movies, books, plays, etc and to find a common personality trait between the favorite characters. The home that the mom lives on is on beautiful land that has a large pond and a lot of wild animals as well as her chickens. I love her spirit and how she tries to be fun, compassionate, artistic, spiritual, and loving.  There is a part where it is a full moon and a bunch of ladies get together at Grace’s house. They have a large bon fire going, they are dancing, playing instruments, and even howling at the moon. The freedom and the connection I admire greatly. Someday I want to turn my backyard into a beautiful garden oasis. I would love to have a medicine wheel included along with lush gardens of food. Being around nature has alway recharged me and this would be a bonus to have in my backyard!

Is it bad that I don’t want to stay in this home for too much longer? We haven’t even lived here a year. I love my home and I am thankful for it but I just know there is something else out there for us. I’ve had visions of a land where I can have my home, animals, and a preschool. Now I have to do the work to make those come true. I’ve got the education down, just need the house with land so I can create the rest. I’m sure that will entail me working for a few years at a school. I am totally open for wherever I need to do to get on that path.

I feel a headache coming on so I need to take a nap. Ta ta for now….be blessed my friends!

 

Love

I was listening to the Black Eyed Peas redone Where is the Love. There is a part in there that DJ Khaled says Love is the Key, Love is the Answer, Love is the Solution, Love is Powerful. Yes it is!! How do we get more of it, show more of it, give more of it? It starts with each of us. I was shown a video about Quincy Blakely and I was shocked, outraged, and angry that this man has been treated in such a manner. It is easy to say he should have just listened to the police officer but watching that video I was confused as to what the right thing to do was because that officer was out of line and wrong. We need changes in the world!! Why is this man still in jail? There is no way he should be, it seems to me they are punishing him for not listening to the officer. The verdict about Philando Castile shocked me but his mom was given money. I guess that is suppose to make it ok but the officer walks free? It is situations like this that make me wonder how can we infuse more love into the world? How can we get to a better place? Look at all the terrorist attacks, how do we overcome that? I hate war, yet don’t we have to protect our own country or is this what we have been taught to think?

We need more love in our schools, in our barns, in our homes. Animals need to be treated better also. I am a huge fan of the Gentle Barn, they have rescue barns in California, Tennessee, and Missouri. They have been a big reason why I have decided to not eat meat or use dairy. When you really see how these animals are treated how can we not care? How can this be ok?

More prayer, more positive energy, more action, more visualizing is a few ways to start.

I was talking with my assistant today about our classroom. We have 4-5 years olds and it is easy to have expectations that are too high. At that age they still need to be taught what their emotions are and how to handle them. Our conversation was really good and positive. We both agreed we want to set the tone in the classroom to be calm and encouraging. I had one little boy today that was mad he didn’t get his way so he through a fit. I asked him if throwing a fit is going to make it better? He said no. I asked him to please take a few deep breaths and calm down so we could talk. He immediately took some breaths and I asked him what was wrong that he through a fit. He was mad a friend took his spot in line. He found some garbage on the floor and wanted to throw it away. I told him that was very kind of him to make sure our classroom was clean. I turned to the friend and explained to her why he left the line and would she please let him have his place in line again? She said yes. I turned to the little boy and told him when he went back to the line that is what he needed to say to his friend. I explained that when he threw the fit his friend didn’t know what he was saying or why, that is why it is important to be calm. If I would have just told him to stop throwing a fit and get to the back of the line I would have missed a great opportunity to teach him how to handle his frustration and how to problem solve the situation. I always tell my class they can come to myself or the other teacher for help. I swear to you, how we react and how we talk it all contributes to how our classroom is going to respond. My assistant and I want to infuse even more love in our room.

I was told by a parent today that she and her husband have separated. I immediately know what to do. I have been through this with my biological parents as well as many classroom children. I told mom I would make sure her daughter got extra hugs and love. I am told by at least 8 children everyday multiple times a day “I love you Ms. D”. I always tell them I love them too. When my assistant first started in my classroom she was so happy to see how the children were and I quickly responded with love. She said I have my rules and am quick to correct the not so good behavior but it is with love always. So we continue to teach and guide so that way these children can become adults with love, problem solving skills, good vocabulary, and how to work as a team.

When I think of my class I have hope for the future.

Lets’ be better friends, let’s put more love in the world!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am alive after all!

So my last post I said that I had three classes left, I think I was off I had four. Whatever the case only one left then I will start student teaching!!! I am so proud of myself, not being conceited or anything like that. I have busted my butt for four in a half years and had to pass up many family gatherings, outings, picnics, etc because I had homework to do. I in the last stretch and I am ready to be done so I can start a new path. I have two more advisors added to my list let’s see I have my academic counselor, teacher specialist, student teacher advisor, and I don’t remember what the other person’s role is.

My #2 daughter took herself off her medication. I am not happy about it at all. I understand her reasonings but what happens if she regresses? She hasn’t gone to therapy to learn the coping skills she needs. She has been visiting a friend of hers back in Wisconsin and will be back home Friday. I cannot wait to see her beautiful face! The other day I was really upset about something and I called her up to chat. Once we hung up I felt so much better, she has a way of making you laugh and forgetting stress. I text her thanking her for the conversation and many laughs.

I had to get a new computer a month ago my desktop was failing fast. I have a TON of school/teaching resources on it and I didn’t want it to completely die before I could transfer the files over to the new one.

I am trying to still get my house together. The boxes are all gone but it needs paint and decorating done. I have two different types of flooring on the first floor and it drives me crazy. It doesn’t match and it isn’t done correctly. I have plants on my patio that make it so pretty. When I first brought the jasmine home it was so fragrant but since I repotted it, it isn’t fragrant any longer. Hopefully it will start smelling pretty again. I also have some lavender, a cherry tomato plant, red and yellow bell pepper plants. I am so excited to see little cherry tomatoes starting to sprout up. The bell peppers have flowers all over 🙂

Eating home grown food tastes wonderful!!! I would love to grow a bunch of Roma tomatoes so I can make my own marinara sauce. Everything is a work in progress and one day my home will be where I want it.

The weather is getting hot so I have to go shopping for summer clothes tomorrow or I will be dying of the heat!! I am already starting to get nice coloring on my upper body, now my lower body is pitifully white. I have to change that I can’t walk around looking goofy lol.

Looks like it is time for me to get back to homework. Be back soon. Hope whoever is reading this is blessed and well!

ta ta for now friends

 

Glad to see 2016 go

Is it just me or are others glad to see 2016 go? It was a hard year for celebrities especially in the music industry. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate everything good that has happened this year. My #2 daughter is doing good. Not going to therapy but still doing much better than last year, we bought a house, and my oldest daughter is living in the same state. I am closer than ever to having my degree, I only have three classes yet. Let me tell you I am SO ready to be finished. I met some awesome teachers that allowed me to observe in their classrooms and they both would love for me to student teach in their room. Not sure if I mentioned that my boss had to close down the preschool because of her daughter going through major mental illness. She wanted me to buy it but I didn’t feel I could put anymore on my plate. I worked at a different preschool but it was a daycare also and it is a totally different ballgame. For some reason I never fully felt at home there and then certain issues started to creep up. I made the decision to look elsewhere and immediately found new employment. This boss is really nice but recently bought the preschool and has no prior knowledge of early childhood (slaps my forehead). There have been times she asks me why I do certain things and I tell her because it is state requirements.

My cat Monster scared me so badly the other day I thought I was going to go into a panic attack. Monster is 17 years old and has hyperthyroid. I have noticed my love bug has become a crazy cat when he is around food. I was cutting up beef stew meat the other day and he kept jumping on the counter trying to get a piece. Uh no! Cats don’t need to be on my counter with food around ewww! He finally left me alone and I walked away from the counter for a minute to go by the table. I remembered I had the meat up there and didn’t trust Monster so I quickly looked and he was on the floor but it looked like he was swallowing something. I scolded him (he ran into my bedroom) and told my husband I think he had a piece of meat and is having a hard time swallowing it, so he went into our bedroom to check on Monster. My husband yells for me to come in their quick so I do. When I get into the bedroom I see my husband on the floor by Monster who is laying on his side, tongue hanging out, frothing, and gasping. I didn’t realize I pretty much through my husband out of the way and started massaging Monster’s chest and belly. I yelled for someone to call a vet and another person to google how to do the heimlich maneuver on a cat. Then I screamed for someone to get off their ass we have 5 damn cell phones in the house. Monster’s legs started stiffening up and I brought his face up and gently blew into his nose. I noticed the meat was out of his throat so I picked him up and brought him to my chest like when you are burping a baby. I  gave him another gentle blow in his nose and he started breathing and acting like Monster. I don’t know if he passed out or what but I was balling like a baby, telling him he is not leaving me like this, he better start breathing now! Our vet is like 45 minutes away and told us to go the ER animal hospital and I was like no way too far. She mentioned another place closer to our house and at this time we hung up the phone, put Monster in his carrier, and started driving. The lady answers and we explain the situation and she tells us to please hold. She comes back on and says that they have already seen three emergencies and aren’t seeing anymore. WHAT?!?!? Are you freaking kidding me? She started babbling about something else but I just hung up on her I was livid and I had to hang up before I freaked the hell out on her. My hubby googled other vets closer and we called one. They had us come in immediately. Monster was taken back to a room so they could examine him right away. They took our information and then put us in a room. The doctor came in and said everything looks great, his lungs sound clear, his vitals are on point. He warned us the next 48-72 hours are critical because if Monster developed a cough it could be asphyxia pneumonia.  We talked about Monster’s thyroid issues and him not tolerating his medicine so we are trying out a herbal extract for cats who are hyperthyroid. The dr asked me to let him know how Monster does on it because he would be interested in helping others that don’t do well on the regular medication.

I was so relieved and exhausted at the same time. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt in a very long time. The thought of losing my baby to him choking was beyond what my heart could take. My adrenals kicked in and dumped all kinds of cortisol in my system. I didn’t not sleep well that night, so I made sure to take a supplement called Adrenal Success. I also have been eating too much sugar and need to get back on the very limited sugar bandwagon. I notice I feel icky when I have sugar and then my muscles and joints are achy so why bother doing that to myself.

On a happier note, my son turned 17 today. How did that happen? I blinked and he grew up. My mom had to go back to Illinois Christmas day so she could visit my uncle. He was told a week ago he has stage four lung and bone cancer, he only has 2-6 months to live. I guess the number 7 rib is gone…eaten up by cancer. This is totally heartbreaking! I remember when  I was a little girl I was scared of his mustache and he thought it was hilarious. He is the nicest man who would give you the shirt off his back, oh let’s not forget his humor…..have mercy I have laughed many times. I was FaceTiming my mom this morning and she was saying how my uncle’s ex-wife was at the gathering yesterday. Mom said she caught the ex looking at my uncle so lovingly and it was sweet and broke her heart. I asked why? Mom said she’s known she since was 8 years old those two were meant to be but something got in the way. OMG talk about tugging at the heartstrings!! Ma, you’re killing me over here.

See why I want a new year and for it to be better? I know its life and we have to do the best we can. There is so much to look forward to in 2017 I hope I can make it a great one!

I better get off of here so I can let the cramps in my hands go away and get the burnt ends out of the smoker. Have a great night friends and be blessed!

 

 

 

 

Moving sucks

So my mom and I both bought houses. We don’t close on our house for two more weeks, so that means we have to move twice in 2 weeks 😒. I am so excited to be in my own home again. I have been in a small room for a little over a year. It isn’t exactly easy to be a preschool teacher, go to school, and sleep all in the same room. I remember hearing teachers say how they need a lot of storage for their supplies; I totally get it now!! I really do need a room with a ton of shelves. 

Our new home has a lot of storage space and I can’t wait to get all my belongings back with me. Most of it had been in storage. As much as moving sucks I am looking forward to getting my life back on track and organized. 

M (#2 daughter that suffers from depression & BPD) has been doing really well. It seems te medication combination she is on is working. Now all she needs to do is get her ass in therapy!!! She seems to avoid that very important step. She wants to get off her medication but I don’t feel it is a good idea until she gets some therapy. She made a comment about wanting a friend to come live with her…..at my house. I told her no one is coming to my house and living with me and my family that I don’t know. Heck she doesn’t really know this person either. She just doesn’t get it and that is part of why therapy is so important; her perception of things is….well… Messed up! 

Ok I have to get back to laundry and cleaning. Ta ta for now! 

We can be our own worst critic!

My boss is down closing the preschool in one week. I wanted to buy the preschool so badly but it’s just not the right time. I updated my resume and put it out there for other preschools to see and contact me if they are looking for teachers. I have been getting at least two to three emails a day since. The unfortunate thing is most of them are too far away. I am not going to drive 45 minutes to an hour when I would be paying too much in gas. One preschool that contacted me is like 20 minutes from my house. I went on to the preschool’s website to see what they are about. I loved the fact that all of their teachers have been in education between eight to seventeen years. All of them are former elementary teachers. It was a bit intimidating to me at first because I will be getting my degree in a year. I have five classes left then it is on to student teaching. I was telling my boss about it and she asked me if I was nervous and I was honest and said a little. She told me I’m crazy that I am very good at what I do and just because I have not been in an elementary classroom doesn’t mean much. I giggled because how many times do we do that to ourselves? We start letting fear get a hold of us and then we start looking at negative things. We can be our own worst critic. I told her I know I am very qualified and instead of being intimidated I am turning it around and looking at all that experience these women have can contribute to me learning and growing more! The interview went well and hopefully I will hear back from them. I am not worrying about it because I know there is a teaching position out there for me.

There is one part of my job that pulls at my heartstrings and that is foster children. I have never worked with them before until I came here. One child has literally stolen my heart. She was here for 8 months when she had to go back to her mom. The mom has two other children and there were quite a few people saying it was too soon but the judge ruled and the children all went back. The foster mom was devastated, I was devastated, and the child was devastated. I just had a bad feeling about it. I kept in contact with the foster mom and one day I received a text that the child was back with her. I was happy and sad at the same time. That poor child has to be going through so much right now!!!  When the child came back to school, she was distant and different. She stayed by my side but she was stressed out. It looks like the foster mom is going to adopt the child so I am so happy that she will have stability in her life. I feel really bad for the biological mom because I feel like she needed more time and support so she could be successful. Addiction is an ugly thing.

There was another child in foster care. That situation was whacked as well. My boss received a phone call from the foster mom that the children were back with her again. My heart just aches for these children!! I don’t judge their families because we all have moments we are weak BUT when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child that has to be the most important.

My daughter is doing awesome!! After we came back from Las Vegas she has been different. She is coming out of her room, going places, and feeling good. I swear she is also dealing with PCOS. I see the symptoms she is displaying and unfortunately is in the family. My sister and I have it. So I have to get her to a doctor to get her hormones checked! We have to go to her therapy appointment today so we will see how that goes. She was telling me yesterday she wants to get a job, she doesn’t want to depend on me for money. She really needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and yet there are times she can’t get out of bed. I told her that we can write down her goals and make an action plan. She looked at me confused…..how to get to the goals….OHHHHHH she says. Yea a little ditzy moment. She is supposed to do DBT but she is refusing because she doesn’t want to do groups at all. I honestly believe it is because some of the people make her uncomfortable and she thinks she is going to be judged. Her perception of things can be way off many times. Maybe she should just do individual until her self-esteem gets better? That will be something to talk to the therapist about.

I have to get to work, so have a great day. Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

I need a vacation

I should be writing my paper but I am not motivated. I love love love learning what will make me a better teacher and person. I love to learn however, I need a break. I do what I need to do but guess what folks I am human and need a break! I don’t want to hear suck it up! why? Because I am fully aware that if I want a degree I have to EARN it and earning it means hard work and sacrifice. Remember I said I am human? I get unmotivated and need to revisit what my goals are and I have to get motivated again. OK that rant is done

When we moved last year I left behind my twins that were in my preschool. They would have been going to kindergarten anyway in two months so our days were numbered but I have to say I missed them so much. I have kept in touch with their mom, see pictures on Facebook, and talk on the phone sometimes. Their mom needed a mini vacation and brought the twins out here!! I was able to spend 4 glorious days with them. My heart was overfilled with joy. They were equally happy to spend time with me. They were always hugging me or following me to where I would go. I am so proud of how well they are doing in school. LOVE IT!!!

My daughter is finally going to be starting DBT. I need to do more research on it. I asked her therapist what I can do to support my daughter, what to do what not to do, etc and was told going online has a lot of information. I knew that but having specific websites would be good. I think I need to get into therapy myself so I can get out my hopes and fears about my daughter. I also need to know how to deal with her it’s not like I woke up one day and know how to handle BPD. The new medicine she has been on is making a difference thank God! She is coming out of her room more and I see more of her sassy attitude coming out. A month ago I noticed what I thought was a scratch on her arm but it turned out to be her cutting. I couldn’t say anything I could only cry. Luckily we were in her psychologist’s office and she saw it too. J was able to ask my daughter what happened that she cut, what was she feeling, and other questions. It is evident that my daughter really does have bad coping skills and also have no clue who she is. One positive thing I have learned is my schooling will help me through this. I need to go back to my past psychology classes and find my books especially with Skinner’s theory (I believe that’s the one).  Once I find a therapist for me I can talk to them about what I have learned and how to apply it to my daughter properly.

There needs to be some major changes in my and my husband’s lives in the next few months. Hopefully he will get this promotion that will give him better benefits and pay. He took a huge leap of faith with this job and I hope that faith pays off for him. We need to have our own home so our family can get back to normal. I am grateful for where we live but living with others is not easy, especially when there are double standards. The question is do we rent or try to buy? If we wait until I am out of school and working at a teaching job we could qualify for certain programs to help us with buying a house. I will make more  money and we would be able to get a better house than what we can afford now. I seem to be typing out my answer lol. As much as we want to buy a house now I know it is better to wait. So now that search will be on for a home we can afford to rent. Believe it or not apartments are crazy expensive to rent around here especially three bedroom ones.

I think I have figured out why I am struggling with motivation lately and I don’t think it is just with school. Not having our own home, dealing with my daughter’s BPD, helping my son with understanding his sister and helping him not shut down emotionally, my health, etc. Maybe I need a vacation! Take a minute to breathe, press the reset button, and recharge so I can deal with all of this stuff. See, journaling or blogging does help!

I just need to find a physical trainer that has knowledge about someone who has hypothyroid/adrenal issues and understands I cannot workout for 2 hours a day and over doing it.

Time for me to get this paper done so ta ta for now.