Giving Up Meat

I have always known that we are what we eat. I know many years ago when Native Americans killed their animals for food it was said that they thanked the animal for giving their life for food. Different religions require an animal to be treated and slaughtered a certain way; in Judaism it’s Kosher and in Muslim it’s Halal. How can an animal that has not been treated and fed properly provide proper nourishment to our bodies? All that negativity and stress is in the meat. When I eat meat from a store that has a factory farm of animals I am contributing to that mistreatment. I have organizations on my Facebook like The Gentle Barn and The Farm Sanctuary that rescue animals. The Gentle Barn since I have been following them have opened rescues in Tennessee and now in Missouri. Did you hear about the six cows that escaped from the slaughter house back in April or May from St. Louis Missouri? The Gentle Barn rescued them and have purchased land to start a Gentle Barn Missouri. One of the cows had to be put down because of injuries they feel might have already been there at the time they escaped, they named him Spirit.

I have been dealing with different health issues and feel part of my healing will come from cleansing my body. In order to cleanse my body I am going to fill it with fresh foods. I will continue to listen to my body and make sure I am giving it what it needs. I have been using organic household and beauty products as much as possible. I have a lot of essential oils from Young Living and DoTerra. I use them on my body and on my house. I have to be careful because I have cats and I have read that diffusing them in the air might not be good for them so I only do it in a room that is closed off to them and only I go into. I haven’t had any meat since Tuesday and I have to say I do see a difference in my energy level. I have been watching videos from The Raw Boy, Fully Raw Christina, Rawvanna, and others, as well as reading The Medical Medium’s books (he promotes vegan raw and cooked). If I want to see change in the world I have to make those changes as well. So I saved recipes and made out a meal plan for the week. I don’t think my family will join me on this journey and that’s ok. If and when they are ready they will do it.

OH!!! I found out I have 2 baby birds in my hanging plant that is on my patio. They are so darn cute!!! I see mom flying in and out of there feeding them it is so precious.

 

 

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Calm yourself girl!

Two weeks ago I was having major issues with my Internet because my provider decided to do an upgrade. It would have been nice to have a warning. I was not able to get online for three days and that was three days I was not able to go online to my class. I was ticked my instructor would do give me any forgiveness about the situation. We continued to have issues with the internet and the customer service rep said we should have been fine so he sent someone out here. When the tech came out he said everything was fine we just needed to do……..something….I forgot lol. So my husband continues to try things and made another phone call. We were able to get my computer connected to the modem and I wasn’t have the same issues any longer. I was so irritated and then I logged on to my class and the reply my instructor gave to a question I had was written in a way that made me fuming. I was about to throw the biggest temper tantrum ever!!! I stopped for a second and realized in my initial message I forgot to ask another question that would have made the reply different. So I took a deep breath and got out of my feelings. I explained to my instructor the other question I forgot and I was in such a rush to get the message sent off because of the way the internet kept erring out on me I did it too fast.

It was a good reminder to remain calm because my reaction can make or break a situation. On a better note I have two more assignments to do and I will be done with this class and then I start student teaching! I will be graduating in two months and I am so proud of myself!! I did it!! I have worked my ass off!

My sister L was diagnosed a month ago with lung cancer. At first the doctor sounded optimistic saying she was at stage one or two. When she had a PET scan done the doctors tone changed because the tumor is in a dangerous area between the right lung and the heart. They are going to do chemo for five days a week and then radiation for one day (I think that’s right). I wondered if the stage changed after the scan but I don’t want to ask, I want my sister to remain calm and as positive as possible. We have been talking about eating healthier, smoothies, and juicing. Today she tells me she is not sure she will be able to juice because it might interfere with her chemo. I have heard of so many people having positive results with taking supplements, juicing, and changing their diets. Is it true? I know a person has to be careful about supplements but I have doubts about doctors many times because many don’t know about alternative treatments that work and can work with modern medicine. I don’t know I just want my sister to be okay.

 

 

Chris Cornell

Ever since I first heard about the death of Chris Cornell my emotions have been all over the place. Some may say I have been triggered because of my daughter’s suicide attempts. There are a few different reason flying around the media as to why Chris committed suicide. I have heard it was because of a medication he took too much of and that he was just depressed. Chris is the only one that can answer that question and it is heartbreaking to me that his wife and children are left with a huge hole in their hearts and in their lives. Back in January a friend’s son who was only 16 years old committed suicide; his mom and little brother found him, they had to be the ones to cut him down. My emotions and my heart cannot even begin to process the pain that my friend felt that day and continues to feel everyday. I was very good friends with her father, he passed away a year ago in Feb. I can only hope my friend has his grandson there with him. How many times have we heard of young children dying from suicide because of bullying? How do we stop this? How do we help someone so deep in depression know they are loved, wanted, and matter? I have talked to my daughter and she told me she gets so tired of fighting with herself. She is tired of feeling like a failure in life, she knows she is loved yet she feels like she is swimming in the pit of never-ending darkness. I have read and heard from others that suicide is to end the pain, end the constant internal fight.

I sit there and listen. Wow how powerful is that! Then I hear people say that someone who commits suicide is a selfish coward. I’m not quiet about that at all! EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Someone who is trying to end their pain is not looking for attention. Are there attention seekers out there? Yes, however, many people are far from seeking attention!! Mental illness is no joke! It can be so exhausting, heartbreaking, and cruel. I get so irritated at my daughter for not doing everything she can do try to get better but I have to be patient and not push her. It is easy for me to say, go to therapy, take your pills, exercise, get out in the sun etc etc. But when she already fights with herself I don’t want to be a nag. So what do I do? I get my Young Living and DoTerra oils and I rub her down, I diffuse them in the air, I turn on my hymalayan salt lamp, I make smoothies, juices, and other healthy meals,  give her supplements, play relaxing and uplifting music. Does it work? I think it helps a bit but no matter what I have to try. I pray over my children, I pray over my home, I burn frankincense and myrrh, rosemary, and sage (only the frankincense and myrrh together). I read books that will help me understand my daughter and how to deal with her. I can’t go to therapy just yet, not until our insurance kicks in. I am not too proud to say I need help to learn how to deal with my feelings, and so I don’t feel like I am walking on egg shells around my daughter.

When I am finished with school in a few months I want to look into how I can help suicidal people. I want our mental healthcare to get better and do better so I need to find out how I can advocate for this to happen.

I suffer from different health issues and I get tired of the way I feel and all the things I have to do to keep myself living. If this is even part of what someone who suffers from suicidal tendencies feels like my heart is with them!

I have to go listen to some uplifting music my heart is so heavy right now. If you are reading this. I wish you nothing but peace, love, and wellness! Be Blessed my friends

Glad to see 2016 go

Is it just me or are others glad to see 2016 go? It was a hard year for celebrities especially in the music industry. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate everything good that has happened this year. My #2 daughter is doing good. Not going to therapy but still doing much better than last year, we bought a house, and my oldest daughter is living in the same state. I am closer than ever to having my degree, I only have three classes yet. Let me tell you I am SO ready to be finished. I met some awesome teachers that allowed me to observe in their classrooms and they both would love for me to student teach in their room. Not sure if I mentioned that my boss had to close down the preschool because of her daughter going through major mental illness. She wanted me to buy it but I didn’t feel I could put anymore on my plate. I worked at a different preschool but it was a daycare also and it is a totally different ballgame. For some reason I never fully felt at home there and then certain issues started to creep up. I made the decision to look elsewhere and immediately found new employment. This boss is really nice but recently bought the preschool and has no prior knowledge of early childhood (slaps my forehead). There have been times she asks me why I do certain things and I tell her because it is state requirements.

My cat Monster scared me so badly the other day I thought I was going to go into a panic attack. Monster is 17 years old and has hyperthyroid. I have noticed my love bug has become a crazy cat when he is around food. I was cutting up beef stew meat the other day and he kept jumping on the counter trying to get a piece. Uh no! Cats don’t need to be on my counter with food around ewww! He finally left me alone and I walked away from the counter for a minute to go by the table. I remembered I had the meat up there and didn’t trust Monster so I quickly looked and he was on the floor but it looked like he was swallowing something. I scolded him (he ran into my bedroom) and told my husband I think he had a piece of meat and is having a hard time swallowing it, so he went into our bedroom to check on Monster. My husband yells for me to come in their quick so I do. When I get into the bedroom I see my husband on the floor by Monster who is laying on his side, tongue hanging out, frothing, and gasping. I didn’t realize I pretty much through my husband out of the way and started massaging Monster’s chest and belly. I yelled for someone to call a vet and another person to google how to do the heimlich maneuver on a cat. Then I screamed for someone to get off their ass we have 5 damn cell phones in the house. Monster’s legs started stiffening up and I brought his face up and gently blew into his nose. I noticed the meat was out of his throat so I picked him up and brought him to my chest like when you are burping a baby. I  gave him another gentle blow in his nose and he started breathing and acting like Monster. I don’t know if he passed out or what but I was balling like a baby, telling him he is not leaving me like this, he better start breathing now! Our vet is like 45 minutes away and told us to go the ER animal hospital and I was like no way too far. She mentioned another place closer to our house and at this time we hung up the phone, put Monster in his carrier, and started driving. The lady answers and we explain the situation and she tells us to please hold. She comes back on and says that they have already seen three emergencies and aren’t seeing anymore. WHAT?!?!? Are you freaking kidding me? She started babbling about something else but I just hung up on her I was livid and I had to hang up before I freaked the hell out on her. My hubby googled other vets closer and we called one. They had us come in immediately. Monster was taken back to a room so they could examine him right away. They took our information and then put us in a room. The doctor came in and said everything looks great, his lungs sound clear, his vitals are on point. He warned us the next 48-72 hours are critical because if Monster developed a cough it could be asphyxia pneumonia.  We talked about Monster’s thyroid issues and him not tolerating his medicine so we are trying out a herbal extract for cats who are hyperthyroid. The dr asked me to let him know how Monster does on it because he would be interested in helping others that don’t do well on the regular medication.

I was so relieved and exhausted at the same time. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt in a very long time. The thought of losing my baby to him choking was beyond what my heart could take. My adrenals kicked in and dumped all kinds of cortisol in my system. I didn’t not sleep well that night, so I made sure to take a supplement called Adrenal Success. I also have been eating too much sugar and need to get back on the very limited sugar bandwagon. I notice I feel icky when I have sugar and then my muscles and joints are achy so why bother doing that to myself.

On a happier note, my son turned 17 today. How did that happen? I blinked and he grew up. My mom had to go back to Illinois Christmas day so she could visit my uncle. He was told a week ago he has stage four lung and bone cancer, he only has 2-6 months to live. I guess the number 7 rib is gone…eaten up by cancer. This is totally heartbreaking! I remember when  I was a little girl I was scared of his mustache and he thought it was hilarious. He is the nicest man who would give you the shirt off his back, oh let’s not forget his humor…..have mercy I have laughed many times. I was FaceTiming my mom this morning and she was saying how my uncle’s ex-wife was at the gathering yesterday. Mom said she caught the ex looking at my uncle so lovingly and it was sweet and broke her heart. I asked why? Mom said she’s known she since was 8 years old those two were meant to be but something got in the way. OMG talk about tugging at the heartstrings!! Ma, you’re killing me over here.

See why I want a new year and for it to be better? I know its life and we have to do the best we can. There is so much to look forward to in 2017 I hope I can make it a great one!

I better get off of here so I can let the cramps in my hands go away and get the burnt ends out of the smoker. Have a great night friends and be blessed!

 

 

 

 

We can be our own worst critic!

My boss is down closing the preschool in one week. I wanted to buy the preschool so badly but it’s just not the right time. I updated my resume and put it out there for other preschools to see and contact me if they are looking for teachers. I have been getting at least two to three emails a day since. The unfortunate thing is most of them are too far away. I am not going to drive 45 minutes to an hour when I would be paying too much in gas. One preschool that contacted me is like 20 minutes from my house. I went on to the preschool’s website to see what they are about. I loved the fact that all of their teachers have been in education between eight to seventeen years. All of them are former elementary teachers. It was a bit intimidating to me at first because I will be getting my degree in a year. I have five classes left then it is on to student teaching. I was telling my boss about it and she asked me if I was nervous and I was honest and said a little. She told me I’m crazy that I am very good at what I do and just because I have not been in an elementary classroom doesn’t mean much. I giggled because how many times do we do that to ourselves? We start letting fear get a hold of us and then we start looking at negative things. We can be our own worst critic. I told her I know I am very qualified and instead of being intimidated I am turning it around and looking at all that experience these women have can contribute to me learning and growing more! The interview went well and hopefully I will hear back from them. I am not worrying about it because I know there is a teaching position out there for me.

There is one part of my job that pulls at my heartstrings and that is foster children. I have never worked with them before until I came here. One child has literally stolen my heart. She was here for 8 months when she had to go back to her mom. The mom has two other children and there were quite a few people saying it was too soon but the judge ruled and the children all went back. The foster mom was devastated, I was devastated, and the child was devastated. I just had a bad feeling about it. I kept in contact with the foster mom and one day I received a text that the child was back with her. I was happy and sad at the same time. That poor child has to be going through so much right now!!!  When the child came back to school, she was distant and different. She stayed by my side but she was stressed out. It looks like the foster mom is going to adopt the child so I am so happy that she will have stability in her life. I feel really bad for the biological mom because I feel like she needed more time and support so she could be successful. Addiction is an ugly thing.

There was another child in foster care. That situation was whacked as well. My boss received a phone call from the foster mom that the children were back with her again. My heart just aches for these children!! I don’t judge their families because we all have moments we are weak BUT when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child that has to be the most important.

My daughter is doing awesome!! After we came back from Las Vegas she has been different. She is coming out of her room, going places, and feeling good. I swear she is also dealing with PCOS. I see the symptoms she is displaying and unfortunately is in the family. My sister and I have it. So I have to get her to a doctor to get her hormones checked! We have to go to her therapy appointment today so we will see how that goes. She was telling me yesterday she wants to get a job, she doesn’t want to depend on me for money. She really needs to feel like she is doing something with her life and yet there are times she can’t get out of bed. I told her that we can write down her goals and make an action plan. She looked at me confused…..how to get to the goals….OHHHHHH she says. Yea a little ditzy moment. She is supposed to do DBT but she is refusing because she doesn’t want to do groups at all. I honestly believe it is because some of the people make her uncomfortable and she thinks she is going to be judged. Her perception of things can be way off many times. Maybe she should just do individual until her self-esteem gets better? That will be something to talk to the therapist about.

I have to get to work, so have a great day. Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. I feel relief that I know what is going on with her but I also have despair running like the Niagara Falls. I read about it and I understand, yet I hurt. I hurt for the frustration I go through when I deal with my daughter’s snapping at me and her self sabatoge behaviors and I hurt because I know there are steps she could take to get better. I cannot force her to do DBT or any other type of therapy. I want to see her get better and live a productive life. I’m overwhelmed with life at the moment I need for it to get better. So I write down what steps to take to get life better for myself. I have a little over a year left of school, we are trying to find a house to buy, trying to get my husband’s seniority and benefits back from work (long story), my health, and the other little everyday stressors.

I want to get a full time job so I can contribute more financially but I’m already stretched too thin. I take my daughter to her different therapies and Dr appointments every week, have to do schoolwork, cook, clean, and I’m concerned about my son also. Since moving he has not really made quality friendships where they would hang out. I have watched him become a loner trying to stay in his room and either play computer games with his old friends or Xbox. His attitude is different and I know our living situation adds to the stress we all feel. I pray, I say affirmations, I stand on faith. I am trying to keep my frame of mind as positive as possible. I know that a rough and bumpy road can turn around and have a  beautiful outcome. There is always a lesson to be learned in any and all situations. There are times i need to let loose and just vent about my frustrations but then get myself back on track.

My daughter told me about a friend of hers that was at the behavior hospital with her a few months back, he tried to commit suicide last night. I asked her how is she doing and she says fine. She knows exactly how he feels, he just is tired of fighting with himself and that he just wants it all to stop. I remember her telling me that every moment of everyday she had thoughts of killing herself. It breaks my heart that anyone deals with such a tragedy.  I asked if it triggers her at all and she said no but quite honestly I don’t not believe she would be able to recognize if it did. I have watched my baby go down hill a lot over the past three years. She made a comment today at the Dr.’s office that she feels lonely and wants to get her old friends back. Hmmmm, the same friends that really don’t call or text her? The same friends she constantly put first before her own family? The same friends that really are not good friends for her? Yes, that would be them. Her anxiety has been going through the roof lately and she is now going to be on anxiety meds. Medication is only a small part of her therapy she needs to be in DBT therapy and the place she was going to allowed her to stop coming. The Dr. was MAD today that the therapist did not even consult her about closing my daughter’s case.  So it’s once step forward, two steps back. Sigh

This is going to work out right? Things will be ok right? Faith faith faith standing on faith!

Ok, rant over. Thank you for letting to vent 🙂

 

 

I need a vacation

I should be writing my paper but I am not motivated. I love love love learning what will make me a better teacher and person. I love to learn however, I need a break. I do what I need to do but guess what folks I am human and need a break! I don’t want to hear suck it up! why? Because I am fully aware that if I want a degree I have to EARN it and earning it means hard work and sacrifice. Remember I said I am human? I get unmotivated and need to revisit what my goals are and I have to get motivated again. OK that rant is done

When we moved last year I left behind my twins that were in my preschool. They would have been going to kindergarten anyway in two months so our days were numbered but I have to say I missed them so much. I have kept in touch with their mom, see pictures on Facebook, and talk on the phone sometimes. Their mom needed a mini vacation and brought the twins out here!! I was able to spend 4 glorious days with them. My heart was overfilled with joy. They were equally happy to spend time with me. They were always hugging me or following me to where I would go. I am so proud of how well they are doing in school. LOVE IT!!!

My daughter is finally going to be starting DBT. I need to do more research on it. I asked her therapist what I can do to support my daughter, what to do what not to do, etc and was told going online has a lot of information. I knew that but having specific websites would be good. I think I need to get into therapy myself so I can get out my hopes and fears about my daughter. I also need to know how to deal with her it’s not like I woke up one day and know how to handle BPD. The new medicine she has been on is making a difference thank God! She is coming out of her room more and I see more of her sassy attitude coming out. A month ago I noticed what I thought was a scratch on her arm but it turned out to be her cutting. I couldn’t say anything I could only cry. Luckily we were in her psychologist’s office and she saw it too. J was able to ask my daughter what happened that she cut, what was she feeling, and other questions. It is evident that my daughter really does have bad coping skills and also have no clue who she is. One positive thing I have learned is my schooling will help me through this. I need to go back to my past psychology classes and find my books especially with Skinner’s theory (I believe that’s the one).  Once I find a therapist for me I can talk to them about what I have learned and how to apply it to my daughter properly.

There needs to be some major changes in my and my husband’s lives in the next few months. Hopefully he will get this promotion that will give him better benefits and pay. He took a huge leap of faith with this job and I hope that faith pays off for him. We need to have our own home so our family can get back to normal. I am grateful for where we live but living with others is not easy, especially when there are double standards. The question is do we rent or try to buy? If we wait until I am out of school and working at a teaching job we could qualify for certain programs to help us with buying a house. I will make more  money and we would be able to get a better house than what we can afford now. I seem to be typing out my answer lol. As much as we want to buy a house now I know it is better to wait. So now that search will be on for a home we can afford to rent. Believe it or not apartments are crazy expensive to rent around here especially three bedroom ones.

I think I have figured out why I am struggling with motivation lately and I don’t think it is just with school. Not having our own home, dealing with my daughter’s BPD, helping my son with understanding his sister and helping him not shut down emotionally, my health, etc. Maybe I need a vacation! Take a minute to breathe, press the reset button, and recharge so I can deal with all of this stuff. See, journaling or blogging does help!

I just need to find a physical trainer that has knowledge about someone who has hypothyroid/adrenal issues and understands I cannot workout for 2 hours a day and over doing it.

Time for me to get this paper done so ta ta for now.