My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. I feel relief that I know what is going on with her but I also have despair running like the Niagara Falls. I read about it and I understand, yet I hurt. I hurt for the frustration I go through when I deal with my daughter’s snapping at me and her self sabatoge behaviors and I hurt because I know there are steps she could take to get better. I cannot force her to do DBT or any other type of therapy. I want to see her get better and live a productive life. I’m overwhelmed with life at the moment I need for it to get better. So I write down what steps to take to get life better for myself. I have a little over a year left of school, we are trying to find a house to buy, trying to get my husband’s seniority and benefits back from work (long story), my health, and the other little everyday stressors.
I want to get a full time job so I can contribute more financially but I’m already stretched too thin. I take my daughter to her different therapies and Dr appointments every week, have to do schoolwork, cook, clean, and I’m concerned about my son also. Since moving he has not really made quality friendships where they would hang out. I have watched him become a loner trying to stay in his room and either play computer games with his old friends or Xbox. His attitude is different and I know our living situation adds to the stress we all feel. I pray, I say affirmations, I stand on faith. I am trying to keep my frame of mind as positive as possible. I know that a rough and bumpy road can turn around and have a beautiful outcome. There is always a lesson to be learned in any and all situations. There are times i need to let loose and just vent about my frustrations but then get myself back on track.
My daughter told me about a friend of hers that was at the behavior hospital with her a few months back, he tried to commit suicide last night. I asked her how is she doing and she says fine. She knows exactly how he feels, he just is tired of fighting with himself and that he just wants it all to stop. I remember her telling me that every moment of everyday she had thoughts of killing herself. It breaks my heart that anyone deals with such a tragedy. I asked if it triggers her at all and she said no but quite honestly I don’t not believe she would be able to recognize if it did. I have watched my baby go down hill a lot over the past three years. She made a comment today at the Dr.’s office that she feels lonely and wants to get her old friends back. Hmmmm, the same friends that really don’t call or text her? The same friends she constantly put first before her own family? The same friends that really are not good friends for her? Yes, that would be them. Her anxiety has been going through the roof lately and she is now going to be on anxiety meds. Medication is only a small part of her therapy she needs to be in DBT therapy and the place she was going to allowed her to stop coming. The Dr. was MAD today that the therapist did not even consult her about closing my daughter’s case. So it’s once step forward, two steps back. Sigh
This is going to work out right? Things will be ok right? Faith faith faith standing on faith!
Ok, rant over. Thank you for letting to vent 🙂