Depression affects more than one person

My life was thrown upside down Wednesday night. I was texting with my youngest daughter when she started saying she needed to get away. She wanted me to get her a hotel room for the night. I could not afford that, nor would I have even if I had the money. She proceeds to say that she would sleep in the park….uh no she would freeze to death. Then it comes out, she doesn’t care if she froze to death, she wanted to die. There it is that evil darkness throwing my daughter into a crazy spin that she doesn’t know how to control. She tells me she has taken 45 of her anxiety pills WHAT THE FUCK!!! How am I on a cell phone seeing that my daughter doesn’t want to live and she is taking pills that won’t stop her heart right away but will cause organ damage, toxicity, and that could take her away from me. How can I save my baby? How can I make all this go away? How do I protect her? I can’t…. I can’t do a fucking thing unless she wants me to and lets me but guess what she doesn’t.

I text her friend asking her where is she, she is downstairs. I tell her to get up to my daughter because she has taken pills and call 911. I try finding a number so I can call an ambulance to get to my baby before any damage is done. Why the fuck can I not find a damn number besides 911 that will not work 1900 miles away?!?! I text my oldest daughter and tell her to call 911 and give her the address because I know she is going to be too upset to remember. The friend thought maybe it would be a good idea to drive my daughter to the hospital……that’s 30 minutes away…..are you kidding me? Holy shit I am dealing with idiots. I know it’s not nice but this is my baby; a child I have loved for 20 years being 20 years ago I was pregnant with her. OMG OMG OMG this is the worst feeling in the world, I can’t live my life without her. I can’t lose her. I can’t breathe my heart hurts, I feel hopeless, FUCK what do I do? Dear God please please please don’t take her from me. My daughter texts me saying the popo is there and thanks she might go to jail. Seriously? I don’t give a flying fig if she goes to jail at least she’s alive. I call my nephew who is a detective to ask him to look into how this all goes down. Is my daughter arrested? Does she have to go to court? Can I get power of attorney over her? I have to save her, I have to make her better! She deserves to be free from depression, anxiety, from wanting to die, from feeling unloved, unsafe, unimportant. Doesn’t she know how much she is loved? How much her family loves her and is her biggest fan? Why is she so blind? Damn that darkness it is blinding her, she can see our love and our fear. She can’t see we struggle with her. She texts me saying liquid charcoal tastes like ass. Ahhhh there is my baby, sarcasm and humor. A phone call telling me she is at a psychiatric hospital, she sounds angry. She is out now, with four medications which I feel is stupid since she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but she is court ordered to do it.

She won’t let me help her. I give her the options she has and yet she chooses to stay in an area where it is not healthy for her. She has no job, no money, no car. She isn’t eating healthy, not exercising, not doing anything. She is not taking care of herself, not making good choices, nothing….She gets depressed, wants to run away from it all, wants to die, and then it starts all over again. Why won’t she do anything to change it? Doesn’t she realize there is hope? Why won’t she listen to me? I hurt, my heart screams, my body aches because I can’t do a damn thing.

I have to sit by and just pray for her. She has to want to get the help she needs to stop this madness and have a better life. Hopeless, helpless, trapped, worried,desperate, scared, angry, defeated, pushed away, rejected are all the emotions that flow through me. I have to do something to protect myself from a break down. I have to make sure I am emotionally and physically healthy I still have two children, a husband, school, work to continue with. Even though my children at work aren’t mine biologically I still love them, they feed off my energy and mood so I have to make sure it is the best it can be. We are all connected.

I feel my daughters pain and my own pain, it sure hurts. Please body don’t fail me now, don’t shut down, keep illness away. I promise I will release this and get back to center. Dear God send strength, send angels, send love, send my guardians, my animal spirits, send healing, send protection, send comfort. Mother Earth as I stand on you take away the negativity and pain. Sage smoke purify my thoughts, my emotions, cleanse all of me and drive out what is not of love. God can I stand in the gap for my daughter to be helped, healed, protected, comforted? I ask, seek, and knock!

My husband stands back worried for me, worried for our family, worried for my daughter. He feels helpless, hopeless, what can he do? He’s supposed to be the protector of his family and yet he can’t do anything but love her, support her, pray for her, and be there for her and the rest of us.

My son and oldest daughter see their sister, mother, and father all hurting, struggling, and doing their best. They try to help, they try to make it better. My son asks mom doesn’t my sister know how great she is? how much we love her? How blessed she is? I tell my son that depression is like a thick darkness that makes it hard to see and feel those things. It affects the way she makes choices, how she lives her life, and her being stuck.

My cat lays on my lap, on my chest, by my side. He looks up at me and meows and rubs his face all over my hand. He purrs trying to make me all better. I go in the living room he follows, I go in the kitchen he follows, I go to the bathroom he follows.

I talk to my boss. I tell her I can’t come in. She takes over my classroom and call in the secretary to make sure she is upfront to hold down the fort. We talk for an hour and I find out the issues going on at work and in her family. We tell each other we will get through this and we will pray for each other.

My mom, my sisters, my best friend, my ex husband. We all are affected by someone’s depression. We are all connected

Sorry if the bad language offended anyone. I needed to be real with what I wrote down. It almost seemed like the more I said the F word the more it released tension and emotion. It might sound crazy or like an excuse but it’s my truth.


Playing for Change

OMG I cannot believe I forgot to tell y’all about Playing for Change!! I shared in my Chaotic girl post that I am doing a music study with my pre kindergarteners. I was on YouTube gathering information on different instruments, how they are sound, played, and made, different types of music, and different types of singing. I came across Playing for Change channel and it is amazing!!! I am in love, like seriously!!

There are artists from all around the wrong that make up the music videos. They have remade some songs….Redemption Song is one that I listen to daily! check it out! The whole channel is fantastic

La Bella Figura

My current class is about English Language Learners. This weeks assignment I had to pick a culture, say why I picked it, and make a PowerPoint about the language, education, socialization, food, religion, dress, parenting, and a few other things. So I of course picked Italian. I had so much fun finding information online and comparing it to my own family. I came across La Bella Figura and wanted to know what it meant. The Italian philosophy of La Bella Figura essentially boils down to always putting your best foot forward, not only physically but in every way you present yourself to the world. From talking to my Polish friend they have that same philosophy also. I look around and see so many have stopped doing that in the United States. It seems we are lowering our standards on how well we keep ourselves and our surroundings. I find myself fighting all the time with my son about hygiene, having matching clothes, taking care of his belongings. I try to tell him the way he takes care of himself is his business card on how others are going to treat him. And yet its a catch 22 because I also want to make sure my children don’t listen to negative judgements. I remember growing up my friend’s parents telling them they couldn’t do anything until their chores were done, they had to shower, and they had to take care of the house as well as the belongings in it. It set the path to taking care of oneself and having pride in it. So I was explaining to my daughters what La Bella Figura is… attempt to create a life by looking and acting their best in every situation while savoring the simple pleasures in life. So then I wondered what do I consider the simple pleasures in life? Family, my cats, food, friendships, good conversations, books, music, chic flicks, being in nature, etc. Seems quite lovely to me. My youngest daughter asked me what if she doesn’t feel like putting her best foot forward for a day? I thought about it for a minute and told her taking a shower and putting her hair in a bun works well for that! There is nothing wrong with taking a day off from everything but don’t let it become a habit to where her home gets cluttered and dirty.

To add to my journey to create La Bella Figura in my life, I went to a new Dr. yesterday to get established as a patient and to explore my stomach issues. I got on the scale dreading it and when the numbers came up they were in kilograms….Uh what is that in my terms? So the nurse tells me and I was like ugh ok and then it hit me Oh hell yes!!! I lost 5 pounds!!! I haven’t been trying but I am so happy.

It is time for me to get some errands done before it gets too late. I still have to make sure my lesson plans for the week are finished so I better get off of here. Have a wonderful day people!

Addio per ora

Chaotic girl over here

Can I just say that life has been chaotic to say the least? The family and I packed up and drove 1900 miles to much better weather the middle of July. My daughter, the cats, and I drove in my car. The cats did very well thank goodness!!! We bought a cage that had mesh around it and it was large enough to have both cats and a small litter box (food too). Driving through Iowa was really pretty, Kansas was too until we got more south then it was like fooooooooorever till we got out of there. Pretty much it was like that until we got to Albuquerque, then nature’s beauty started to show. I absolutely love Payson, AZ area I have decided I want a vacation home there. I even drove through the mountain and it was breathtaking. I did hold my breath many times but I just went as slow as I needed to so I could feel safe. My car did a good job doing all that driving through such hot weather too. She might be 15 years old but she is dependable and I love her!! I put in a job application the afternoon before we were leaving and that Monday as I was driving through AZ mountains I received a phone call. I wasn’t able to call until the next day so I had an interview. Within 10 days of moving 1900 miles I had a job!!! I had to put together my classroom and curriculum in two weeks and let’s not forget I am still in school through this whole time. I asked my advisor if I could please wait two week before beginning my next class. Thank goodness I was able to so I could concentrate on my classroom.

We are on fall break right now and I am enjoying every minute of it! It has been great being able to hang out with my old friends again. When I get back to work I will be doing a new “study” with the children. We use Creative Curriculum and the study we are doing is music. I am gathering a bunch of books on music, instruments, pictures of instruments, and youtube videos that can help me show them different types of music around the world. I am so excited about this study.

I am in the process of getting my friends and some family members together to make Blessing Bags for the homeless. I don’t know if I should keep it between us or ask if anyone else wants to donate to our cause and open up a gofundme account? What do you think? Have any of you ever fed the homeless on your own? I just feel like there is so much negativity going on in the media and around the world I have to do more than wish it was different or pray about it. I have to do something!! I have Bob Marley’s Redemption Song and One Love playing over and over in my head. I am so disappointed with the way the politicians are behaving and what they aren’t doing. Banning, offense, hate, intolerance, judgement, greed. it is all too much. I need to saturate myself with positive words, songs, stories, events, and thoughts! I need to help and give back.

I haven’t even been able to read any good romance books lately, I know it’s sad isn’t it? I need to take some time to clear my head with other books besides academic ones!! However, I have been on Organic Olivia’s blog and read some rather interesting information on health issues. I believe my gall bladder is acting up and I am trying so hard to NOT need it removed. I’m not sure it is working but I have to try. I heard cardamom is good for gall bladder aliments so off to Sprouts I will go tonight.

Speaking of health I need to get something to eat. Ta ta for now my friends 🙂