My life was thrown upside down Wednesday night. I was texting with my youngest daughter when she started saying she needed to get away. She wanted me to get her a hotel room for the night. I could not afford that, nor would I have even if I had the money. She proceeds to say that she would sleep in the park….uh no she would freeze to death. Then it comes out, she doesn’t care if she froze to death, she wanted to die. There it is that evil darkness throwing my daughter into a crazy spin that she doesn’t know how to control. She tells me she has taken 45 of her anxiety pills WHAT THE FUCK!!! How am I on a cell phone seeing that my daughter doesn’t want to live and she is taking pills that won’t stop her heart right away but will cause organ damage, toxicity, and that could take her away from me. How can I save my baby? How can I make all this go away? How do I protect her? I can’t…. I can’t do a fucking thing unless she wants me to and lets me but guess what she doesn’t.
I text her friend asking her where is she, she is downstairs. I tell her to get up to my daughter because she has taken pills and call 911. I try finding a number so I can call an ambulance to get to my baby before any damage is done. Why the fuck can I not find a damn number besides 911 that will not work 1900 miles away?!?! I text my oldest daughter and tell her to call 911 and give her the address because I know she is going to be too upset to remember. The friend thought maybe it would be a good idea to drive my daughter to the hospital……that’s 30 minutes away…..are you kidding me? Holy shit I am dealing with idiots. I know it’s not nice but this is my baby; a child I have loved for 20 years being 20 years ago I was pregnant with her. OMG OMG OMG this is the worst feeling in the world, I can’t live my life without her. I can’t lose her. I can’t breathe my heart hurts, I feel hopeless, FUCK what do I do? Dear God please please please don’t take her from me. My daughter texts me saying the popo is there and thanks she might go to jail. Seriously? I don’t give a flying fig if she goes to jail at least she’s alive. I call my nephew who is a detective to ask him to look into how this all goes down. Is my daughter arrested? Does she have to go to court? Can I get power of attorney over her? I have to save her, I have to make her better! She deserves to be free from depression, anxiety, from wanting to die, from feeling unloved, unsafe, unimportant. Doesn’t she know how much she is loved? How much her family loves her and is her biggest fan? Why is she so blind? Damn that darkness it is blinding her, she can see our love and our fear. She can’t see we struggle with her. She texts me saying liquid charcoal tastes like ass. Ahhhh there is my baby, sarcasm and humor. A phone call telling me she is at a psychiatric hospital, she sounds angry. She is out now, with four medications which I feel is stupid since she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but she is court ordered to do it.
She won’t let me help her. I give her the options she has and yet she chooses to stay in an area where it is not healthy for her. She has no job, no money, no car. She isn’t eating healthy, not exercising, not doing anything. She is not taking care of herself, not making good choices, nothing….She gets depressed, wants to run away from it all, wants to die, and then it starts all over again. Why won’t she do anything to change it? Doesn’t she realize there is hope? Why won’t she listen to me? I hurt, my heart screams, my body aches because I can’t do a damn thing.
I have to sit by and just pray for her. She has to want to get the help she needs to stop this madness and have a better life. Hopeless, helpless, trapped, worried,desperate, scared, angry, defeated, pushed away, rejected are all the emotions that flow through me. I have to do something to protect myself from a break down. I have to make sure I am emotionally and physically healthy I still have two children, a husband, school, work to continue with. Even though my children at work aren’t mine biologically I still love them, they feed off my energy and mood so I have to make sure it is the best it can be. We are all connected.
I feel my daughters pain and my own pain, it sure hurts. Please body don’t fail me now, don’t shut down, keep illness away. I promise I will release this and get back to center. Dear God send strength, send angels, send love, send my guardians, my animal spirits, send healing, send protection, send comfort. Mother Earth as I stand on you take away the negativity and pain. Sage smoke purify my thoughts, my emotions, cleanse all of me and drive out what is not of love. God can I stand in the gap for my daughter to be helped, healed, protected, comforted? I ask, seek, and knock!
My husband stands back worried for me, worried for our family, worried for my daughter. He feels helpless, hopeless, what can he do? He’s supposed to be the protector of his family and yet he can’t do anything but love her, support her, pray for her, and be there for her and the rest of us.
My son and oldest daughter see their sister, mother, and father all hurting, struggling, and doing their best. They try to help, they try to make it better. My son asks mom doesn’t my sister know how great she is? how much we love her? How blessed she is? I tell my son that depression is like a thick darkness that makes it hard to see and feel those things. It affects the way she makes choices, how she lives her life, and her being stuck.
My cat lays on my lap, on my chest, by my side. He looks up at me and meows and rubs his face all over my hand. He purrs trying to make me all better. I go in the living room he follows, I go in the kitchen he follows, I go to the bathroom he follows.
I talk to my boss. I tell her I can’t come in. She takes over my classroom and call in the secretary to make sure she is upfront to hold down the fort. We talk for an hour and I find out the issues going on at work and in her family. We tell each other we will get through this and we will pray for each other.
My mom, my sisters, my best friend, my ex husband. We all are affected by someone’s depression. We are all connected
Sorry if the bad language offended anyone. I needed to be real with what I wrote down. It almost seemed like the more I said the F word the more it released tension and emotion. It might sound crazy or like an excuse but it’s my truth.