Lots of random thoughts

Tsk tsk, it’s been a month since my last post. I have moments where I am so busy I don’t get on the computer much or if I am it’s work related OR I even have moments where I just don’t want to think.

Don’t want to think about the addiction my husband has and how it’s affected me for 12 years. Funny thing is I’m just now realizing it is addiction. We found a therapist that specializes with addiction and it’s great to finally think we might actually get through this! The therapist gave us a dvd to watch so we can understand sex addiction a bit more, she was right, Patrick Carnes is amazing!  It also opened my eyes to my own family and my husband’s. Just because a family has a drug or alcohol addiction doesn’t mean the kids will have it they can also have other types of addictions like shopping, gambling, sex, etc. Dr Carnes went into detail about what happens in the brain when trauma happens. So interesting!

I’ve been reading a book on spouse’s of a sex addict. One thing I realized is my husband’s is more of a cyber addiction and thank goodness it’s not as severe as many many people’s out there. I’m not saying that to down grade the addiction, I’m looking at the positives. If he had been at a high level with the addiction I don’t think I could have gotten past it. Smart phones are a wonderful thing and yet they are my worst nightmare, that’s where he gets into trouble. I always find out when he’s been on a chat app or whatever. My intuition kicks in right away and I also notice a change in him. I used to check the computer a lot 5-7 years ago, I had spyware on the computer but that was also because of having kids going on the internet too. Then I just backed off and let it go. I check only if I get that feeling. One other great thing is, there are many times if he slips up he does talk to  me about it.

I was on the website the sedona method and read about sex addiction and that’s where I was like whoa, that’s my hubby! I had him read it and the light bulb went on in his head too. I’m hoping he is at a place of wanting recovery and wanting to heal his life. I’ve been dealing with this in some way or shape for 13 years, I’m done! I love him but I need and want more in my marriage. Sad thing is I see the same issues with my ex hubby. Only reason I would be concerned is because of my daughter spending time with him, not that he would ever do anything to her. It’s more, she’s already seen him on a porn site and hurry up and minimizes the screen. Now that he is single again he is on dating sites and texting “whores” all the time according to my upset daughter. She wants to spend time with him but he’s too busy texting. I won’t even go into anymore with the ex…

A few days ago a friend I’ve known since 1983 passed away, she had some type of lukemia. She was diagnosed with it almost 2 years ago and now she isn’t suffering anymore. She leaves behind a husband and two small children. My heart just aches for the whole family. Then it makes me realize how short life can be, how precious it is. I look back on my life and I feel like if I had to put my life on a painting it would be filled with my family and children, job, friends, but what else?  I want to look back on my life and see I made a difference, I had fun, I loved life and lived it to the best I could. I didn’t just exist!!

In the past 10 months 6 people have passed away, 3 from cancer, 1 from another sickness, 2 from xanax,  and 1 from playing russian roulette :(. 2 people were in their young 40s, 3 30s, 1 26. Seriously? Their lives were cut so short. Young children left behind, a mother devastated that her son took his life and is left with that heartache a niece who won’t have children with him, grow old with him, etc. UGH!!!

If we make a contract with God before we are born I want to know what it is I’m supposed to learn and do. I hope and pray I live well into my 80s and have some great stories to tell my grandchildren! I don’t feel like I’m on the right path just yet. Ok different subject

So here I’ve been up since 5am, I love when it’s just me awake and I get the whole house to myself, it’s so quiet. When the sun comes up I open the blinds and let in the light. The sunshine gets me motivated to get the day started. Coffee in the background brewing. It’s funny how that scenario brings back some fond children memories. My grandma was an early riser and had the coffee going. If I look back on the many get togethers I’ve had with my family over the years I can honestly I remember so much laughter happening. I find my sisters and I do the same things. When I was on the phone with my oldest daughter last night I was telling her how whenever we get together with Aunt L I always come home with my cheeks sore from smiling and laughing so much. Laughter is good medicine!  My daughter is 22 and trying to go to college so she’s in a different state with my mom :(. She is at the point where she’s not sure she wants to be a vet but not sure what she should do. I told her I’ve always felt she should work with animals, been that way since she was very young. In all honesty I’m hoping she decides to go to school back here with me. I want her closer. I love having “dates” with my kids :). I know it’s being selfish but hey I love being around my babies!

Family family family family it’s what I love and means so much to me.

Today I’m going to be doing a bunch of baking so that way my son has his gluten free snacks and breakfasts this week. I’m debating if I should go workout now or wait so I can have the hubby and son with me? I’ve been doing really well with making sure I exercise, eating healthier, and taking my millions of supplements. I do feel a big difference and I love it :).  The schools around here don’t have gym everyday, I think my son is taking it this quarter……quarter? really? that’s it? Then we wonder why these poor children are dancing in their seats in class. Boys are full of energy that they need to get rid of by running and exercising. I signed my son up for a class at the gym I go to, it does cardio and some weight training. It’s only 45 minutes once a week so the other days I have him come with me walking or working out. One time I was able to use it as a punishment lol. He got in trouble for something so I told him instead of playing xbox he had to come work his buns with me, he complained at first but then was chatting my ear off. Truth is I enjoy when he works out with me. And as far as the xbox, yea that is something I don’t allow him to be on that much. He has to earn his xbox, tv, or computer time. In fact yesterday I had the tv off all day, he spent much of his time outside playing like he should!! He came in with a little sunburn on his forehead and ears. Guess he got some good vitamin D :). Don’t worry I’ll lather him up with some sunscreen after he’s been out for 15 minutes without it. I love using Aubrey’s organic sunscreen!

I suppose I need to put my thoughts in the back of my mind and get things going. Have a blessed day

Till next time


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